sometimes i struggle to stay asleep all night. It’s usually because something woke me, or someone, but often i end up awake for the rest of the night, or toss n turn till i can fall back asleep. I hate it. It drives me nuts. 

What really sux, is to be awakened suddenly, by M getting in bed, and then having a ?fight? I dont get it. What did I do? And yell at me with a vicious voice, because he doesnt get what he wants. It’s not just sex, that’s not an issue really, it’s specific parts of sex, that i have a hang up about. I’m trying, but I feel stuck where I am, and despite that M likes it so much, and it even feels wonderful, I cant get past this hurdle. 

So, I end up crying myself to sleep, feeling shunned, worthless and alone. 

3rd time’s a charm, or 3rd best? get in line!

so we picked at date. Sorta. April 9, 2016. 

We’ve lived together a little over a year now. I’ve met both his ex wives and all his kids. He’s met all but one of my kids. 

I often feel 3rd, 4th, or 5th best. I might come after the ex wives or his kids, or even my own. But rarely do I feel first. 

I’ve been a first wife. That worked out so well, that we divorced and I then became the second wife and stepmom. I thought i had a fairly good handle on the step mom bit, and staying away from drama. 

Guess again. This time, the first Mrs. W and M bought this home together. She left him for another man, and took 1/2 of everything. He had to buy her out of the home, and kept it. They shared 50/50 custody. 

The second Mrs. W and M had a pre-nup. He was trying to assure what little he had left would be safe in the event of a divorce. In both cases M married the women with bun’s in the oven. The second Mrs. W lived hin the home too. She left before the baby was a year old, and at 2.5 years of separation, she came back. 2.5 years after that, she split again. 

6 months later, I came in the picture. I now live in a home that he shared with both of the ex wives. 5 of my own children are living here full time. Its been a struggle to make this my home too. 

I always feel like i will be invited to leave at a moments notice. I have no clue what goes on with either of the ex wives, but communication with #2 is very frequent. She is adamant that even though we live together, I’m his paramour, only because she’s refused to admit to the existance of thier signed pre-nup, and subsequently refused to agree to a divorce. Now, she tells anyone who will listen, including her son, that im not family, and I’m the reason they split up. 

M asked me to marry him, and presented me with a beautiful ring, which I was overjoyed to accept. Since then, even though he’s still in litagation with both of them, and will be divorced this year, as they already have the trial date. Not a hearing, but a trial. Multie days. Neither is rich, but the #2 insists that he give her 1/2 of everything as well, stating there never was a pre-nup. (Although she does think he lost it, so i think she’s banking on that)

More than anything, I want a wedding. I never had one. Both times I was married at the courthouse, and Ive never had a wedding, despite being promised i would have one. Ive dreamed about it since i was small. For as long as i can remember. I no longer expect to be like cinderella, but i still want that special ceremony and day with my family and friends. 

Now M and i discussed it. He gave me some parameters after i asked. My heart sank. I feel like he has had two beautiful weddings, so a third just isnt that big a deal to him. For me, i’ve had to share everything, including a home i struggle to be my own, because the two former wives both made this thier homes. 

I want something i’ve never had. I want it with him. A special day for the celebration and union of our combined families. My own family has never seen me be married. And i honestly feel like this is the one thing i could have to be mine, his, OURS. 

But he really seems uninterested. I want to look at dresses, venues, colors, decor, find an officiant…..and now with the paramater he has put there i feel like although i knew i wouldnt get a wedding i had dreamed about since i was a small girl, i wont even have the chance to have a wedding at all. More like i am agreeing to have a JP service in the yard. 

So why go through the motions then? If im not going to have one, at least a smaller version of what my dream was, then dont tease me by saying we can, only to tell me that my parameters are so limited, that its not really a wedding. We can save money and time and just go to the courthouse. I can wear jeans. I have before. 

That way, my heart isnt broken, and i know exactly what the expectation is. 

His response to that?

“I will fill you in on my insurance as my domestic partner and we can leave it at that”

Ok. So now i dont even get JP? Then why give me a ring? To tease me? I am just crushed. Beyond words. 

You see, I told him in the beginning that i never wanted to get married again. Ive been left both times too. I have abandonment issues, and if you’ve read my blog at all, that’s pretty clear. But i also didnt want to have someone fill my head with a promise of a wedding, only to pull the rug out from under me. Maybe it’s silly, but a wedding is hugely important to me. It always has been. I might be mostly liberal in my daily life, but in this particular instance, i’m pretty traditional. I long to be a BRIDE. WITH A GROOM I’M IN LOVE WITH. I could have that, but he feels differently i guess. 

I dont even want to discuss it anymore. Im afraid to. I already feel so damn worthless. Im not worth marrying, being faithful to (not talking M here) and not worth having a wedding with. 

My longest dream and desire has been destroyed. 

Summer weather

i really do prefer warm weather, although I dislike being hot and sweaty. The sun, a warm breeze, the dark of the night comes later and later…… Pool weather. Suntan. Festivals. Concerts. 

Yes. , I’m a summer girl! So glad it’s finally here!

Are all untruths the same?

a question i have pondered before. And one i find myself asking again. Unfortunately, when one is asking this type of thing it’s not usually for a happy reason. As is the case with me. 

Many times i guess im just asking myself, and dont really expect any readers, if i even have any left, to respond. But this time, i would really appreciate hearing other opinions. Even if they arent the same as mine. 

A lie. A statement that is not true. Not based on fact or completely fabricated. 

Some lies are told because you dont want to hurt someones feelings ” no honey, that dress doesnt make your ass look big”

Some are told to minimize things “i was only 20 minutes late to work today” (even if it was 35 minutes)

Some are told to hide embarassing facts. Perhaps saying you never went out with, or had sex with a specific individual, because with your beer googles off…..well you would NEVER go near them. 

Some are told for selfish reasons. Hiding affairs for instance. Or hiding money. 

So, lets say for a moment you are in a serious relationship with someone. You have had your heart broken (as most of us have) before, and find it difficult to trust others. But after a while, you determine that this person is trustworthy, and you deepen your commitment to them and your relationship. 

You are eventually told of things by an ex of thiers. You ask your partner if any of this is true. They reassure you its not. The ex is mistaken. 

The topic comes up a few times over a few months time, each time youre reassured that its not true. 

Then one day, you happen upon email communications, all dated years ago, before you even knew your partner…..and it shows that what the ex was saying is 100% true and accurate. And now you learn your partner has outright lied to you. 

Based upon your individual history, you have had a relationship that started similarly. Your former partner lied about small stuff. But blatent lies all the same. Unfortunately, that behavior continued with them, and was a major reason that relationship ended. But…..and here’s my issue….i’m terrified that giving my current partner a pass on this stuff is like ignoring the past. And you know what they say, ignoring the past means you’ll repeat it in the future. 

Yes, all this stuff was a long time ago, however my questions on if it were true or not are recent. And i was outright lied to. Am i supposed to consider its his past, and a sore subject and go forward? Or should i be seeing red flags all over the place, and maybe we should take a step (or quite a few steps) backwards?

Im really struggling with this. My inclination is to pack my shit and run for the hills, far away. So i cant be hurt again.  

But i honestly need some input. Please help. 


It’s a beautiful name for a girl.
It describes a belief….. Religious or otherwise.

I have faith in things. I have faith that I will one day retire.
I have faith that I will one day meet Eddie Vedder
I have faith that I will travel abroad.

But I just can’t swallow the belief or faith in one deity.

I accept I don’t know everything and in saying that I know I am wrong about a lot of things, and it very well may be the case that I’m wrong about that. But that’s the thing.
I can accept, and understand that I might be wrong about it.

So, my BF is religious. He goes to church. And he has the faith that there is one deity. And tells me that he won’t even consider that he might be wrong.
I’m not asking him to ponder it all day. Or even occasionally. But geez. I mean, is it that difficult to consider? Really?

And it makes him sad when we die that we won’t be together?

Because since I don’t have faith, and haven’t been saved I won’t go to heaven.

Gimme a break.

Amanda, the story so far

Some of this is already published in a previous entry under “Amanda”. Since I’ve started working on it again I felt I should publish what I’ve written so far.

Hope y’all like……….

Good grief, I hate being late she thinks to herself as she glances at her phone to check the time. He told her to meet at 8 and it’s 10 after.
She rushes down the sidewalk a little faster hoping that since it’s raining out he will be a little late too. She frowns slightly as she realizes he’s never late.
Finally she reaches the door to her building and heads inside towards the elevator. Good thing she laid out the clothes she had picked to wear to dinner tonight. They might not be late after all she muses as she steps into the elevator. Amanda presses the number 4 and as it lights, the doors close.
The elevator car comes to a stop and opens. Amanda dashes down the hall towards her apartment. She reaches down to the doorknob expecting to find it locked, and instead sees a white ribbon tied to it. Her hand frozen in place just above the doorknob she stares at the ribbon. Her heart pounding hard in her chest, she turns the knob slowly. She hopes he doesn’t hear her. Maybe he’s too preoccupied to notice she thought hopefully.
She quietly shuts the door behind her and gently turns the lock to lock the door. She sets her bags down in the hall and turns towards the bathroom. She notices her dinner clothes are outside the bedroom door upon the floor. The bedroom door is ajar just a bit. Amanda can hear voices, but not what is being said. She stands still and continues to listen. It’s not a conversation she hears, but it is Mark her boyfriend and a woman. She cant see anything through the crack in the door, and decides she’s not going to walk any closer than the bathroom.
She tiptoes down the hall, her cellphone still in her hand towards the bathroom. The voices are definitely louder. She can hear now that they are either having sex, or they are in the midst of foreplay before sex. She hopes that he wont notice she’s come home yet.
She is almost doing a dance she has to pee so bad, and as she enters the bathroom, she very slowly and quietly shuts the door, and then turns the light on. Trying not to interrupt Mark with his new friend. when she’s done, she stands up and barely turns the water on in the sink to wash her hands, and then drys them. She reaches down to flush the toilet, turns the lights off, and then open the bathroom door to exit.
As she opens the door, she hears Mark telling his friend that he will be right back, and she can hear his footprints on the hardwood floor coming towards the bathroom. She pokes her head out the doorway, and see’s that he is but steps away. He looks rather irritated that he was interrupted.

“Did you see the ribbon on the doorknob?” he demands as he continues to walk in her direction. Amanda backs up against the door jam, and just nods her head yes quietly. “Then why aren’t you naked and in the bedroom to take care of my sexy new friend?” he says as he’s towering over her.
She opens her mouth to answer him, in almost a whisper she says “i had to go to the bathroom first, it was a long ride and then walk here”. Amanda hopes he cant tell that she didn’t want to go in the bedroom to see them. She’s fallen head over heels for Mark, and she has always done anything he asked of her, without hesitation. She knew as soon as she saw the ribbon on the doorknob that it meant she was to strip her clothes off, and come to the bedroom and ask him how she could please him.
Amanda didn’t understand how things got this way. They had been together 3 years, and the last year after she found out he was having sex with her best friend, he had begun to demand she be there to watch him when he had sex with other women. She hated watching it. She loved him so much and it made her completely jealous, and even angry. But all of that was replaced by an aching feeling, almost like an itch that needs to be scratched. Sometimes Mark had her suck his cock when he was done fucking the other women, sometimes she had to lick his cum from their pussies. She really did love the taste of him, even if she had to get it by licking another woman to have it.
Every time he did this, that feeling inside would just burn. She didn’t understand why, but she never felt desire anything like it.
The first time she busted him, she had stormed out of the apartment. She saw him fucking Debbie, her best friend since High School. They had even gone to college together, they were more sisters than best friends.
She had run out of the building and down to the corner where Starbucks was. She got a coffee and sat down, waiting to see Debbie leave, so she could go back up. She sat there and thought about it, she was angry. How could he? WHY would he? and DEBBIE? why would she do this? and the more she thought about it, she noticed that feeling started in her pelvis, and grew. and before she knew it, she realized that picturing him fucking Debbie was making her wet. and she wanted to go back up there and ask him if she could watch.
Her phone vibrated and she looked down. “it’s safe now, come up” was the message that Mark sent. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go back up yet But she also didn’t want to make him wait.
She grabbed her coffee, and headed back to the building.
When she got to the door of the apartment, she saw that it was ajar. Good thing too, since she left her keys inside when she stormed out.
She stepped inside and saw Mark on the sofa. He was still naked. She frowned when she saw that.
Mark patted the sofa next to him, and said “SIT” She spoke nothing, and sat next to him. She couldn’t help but to sneak a glance at his cock. He wasn’t quite erect, but he wasn’t soft yet either. She could tell he hadn’t bothered to wash up after Debbie. Just thinking that made her angry again. what the Fuck were they thinking?

“I’m sorry you saw that” he said. “ i didn’t intend on you walking in to see that, nor did i intend to hurt you”. She could tell he meant it, he was looking right at her when he said it. She however, continued to look at his cock. She wondered how he would taste. She had never been into oral sex, and in fact most of the time, refused to do it. The only time she did it without complaining too much, was when she was on her period. she called it “blow job request week”.
She was watching his cock while he was speaking, and she heard less than 1/2 of what he was saying as she stared at it. She licked her lips. She really just wanted to get down on her knees and take him in her mouth. She had that burning hot feeling inside, and she had to do it….she had to taste him.
Fuck it, i’m going to do it she thought. she scooted off the sofa, and on her knees before him, as she reached out and took his cock in her hand. Amanda moved her face and mouth within an inch of his cock, which was now beginning to harden again. Mark was still speaking, but she heard nothing he was saying.
She didn’t move, but stayed there, breathing in the scent of Mark and Debbie. She was salivating just thinking about tasking the mix of them on his cock. She realized it wasn’t just her mouth that was wet thinking about it, Her pussy was drenched, and the burning inside was growing, threatening to overtake her. Amanda stuck her tongue out and tentatively licked the head of his cock. She let her tongue roll around the head, and then slid the head in past her lips into her mouth. She was intoxicated by it.

Mark had stopped speaking, and was looking down in surprise at Amanda. He expected yelling, screaming, and cussing to begin after she came back. Instead as he had begun to apologize to her, she was suddenly between his legs, sucking his cock. He remembered that he hadn’t cleaned up after he and Debbie had sex. Since they had been interrupted he hadn’t been able to cum yet, so Amanda doing this unexpectedly was quite welcome. Especially since she almost never did it.

Somewhere in there, she had changed. She was ravenously devouring his hard cock in her mouth, to the back of her throat. Mark watched what she was doing, how she had out of no where had changed into a sex crazed woman, with an oral fixation. He reached down and grabbed the back of her head, holding his cock into her throat. “mmmmm yeah….god that feels good” He said. She was looking up at him with his cock in her mouth. She has never looked so beautiful he thought, so incredibly sexy. fucking HOT. “Did you like that baby?” he asks. “Did it make you wet? It did, didn’t it?” he questions as he begins to fuck her mouth in earnest.
Amanda was trying to hum a yes, but Mark’s cock was so hard, and completely filled her mouth. She could barely breathe, and just wasn’t able to say, or do anything to answer his question. He had been holding her head down on his cock, but now he was just skull fucking her. Amanda had both hands on the floor trying to steady herself while he was doing this. She reached down between her legs, and under her skirt. She felt that she had become so wet that her panties had a wet spot spreading on them. I have got to cum she thought. She looked at him with her eyes as he fucked her face. He asked if she liked it, and did it make her wet, but she couldn’t respond and the next best thing was to play with herself. She knew that would answer his questions. She didn’t understand why yet, but she knew she had never been this turned on before. Not even watching porn with Mark.

Mark was still looking down at Amanda. She didn’t answer his questions yet, but she did spread her legs apart, and began to play with herself. He knew that was an answer to his questions. Oh HELL yes he thought. He began to fuck her mouth harder. The harder he fucked her face, the faster she rubbed her clit. She got that desperate look in her eyes, and Mark knew she was close. He grabbed the back of her head, wrapped his hands in her hair, and said “you want my cum baby? do you?” He could feel that he didn’t need to hold her head anymore, she was fucking her own mouth on his cock while she was rubbing herself at the same time. “Swallow it all baby, don’t miss a drop” he said to her. She wasn’t pushing with the same force, and He glanced down, and could tell she was starting to orgasm. “oh fuck yes! “ he said as he pushed her head onto his cock, impaling her on it. Amanda was in the midst of cumming, and Mark started to cum into her mouth. He pushed his cock back as far as he could, ensuring that he would cum down her throat, and she wouldn’t be able to spit it out.

As he spurted the last bit of cum in her mouth he reminded her “don’t spill any, you lick up anything that doesn’t stay in that mouth of yours” and he slowly pulled out. He looked down at her, and she was licking her lips, her hand still rubbing away on her clit. “did you cum yet?” he asked. Amanda nodded yes.
“Don’t you cum again. You can rub all you want, but you better not fucking cum again, you understand that you little slut?” He knew this was testing the waters, but she looked almost high and he thought if there was ever a time to see what would happen talking to her like this, it was now.
“You really loved the taste of Debbie’s pussy juice on my cock, didn’t you? “ he asked her. She was still staring up at him, her mouth open and empty, and her hand was furiously rubbing her clit. “I bet Debbie would let me cum in her. You could lick my cum out of her beautiful tight pussy, i bet you would like that, wouldn’t you slut?”
Amanda felt it growing again, she couldn’t stop it. Mark talking about Debbie’s tight pussy, and him cumming in her, was more than she could take. she wanted to be able to lick it out of her, and the thought of it sent her over the edge again, and she started cumming again, harder and faster than the first time with Mark in her mouth. She laid back, letting her orgasm overtake her, contracting in waves from her head to her toes. She was moving her hips against her hand, and it kept going and going. Finally it started to ebb and she noticed that Mark was now standing above her head. He was looking straight down at her. “i fucking told you Slut, DO NOT CUM AGAIN” he bellowed.


Amanda was still standing with her back at the door jam, Mark towering over her. she glanced down the hallway, and saw a shadow moving from the bedroom. She could feel her pulse quicken, and that achy feeling inside starting to burn. she reached down and began to unbuckle her belt and slacks, letting them drop to her feet. She looked up at Mark as she side stepped out of the slacks. He had a smug look on his face that made the burning intensify inside her.

She unbuttoned her blouse and bra and let them fall from her arms to the floor with the rest of her work clothes. she reached down and took her shoes off, and then slid her thong off. She was naked. Mark had moved back to the middle of the hall now and was waiting for her to be done.
She turned to a shelf in the bathroom, and grabbed a wooden box. She opened it, and took out a kitten bell. It had a lobster clasp on it, and she opened the clasp, and attached it to her piercing. About 6 months before he had taken her to get her clit hood pierced. She knew that Mark liked her to wear the bell when he was fucking other women, that way he knew right away if she was touching herself because the bell would ring.
Once it was on the piercing, she appeared out of the bathroom and walked to him. He pushed the bedroom door open where Amanda saw a woman stretched out in her bed. “Sit in your spot” He said to her. She had a small mat at the foot of the bed on his side which was where she was to stay, and watch him fuck other women. She was allowed to masturbate all she wanted, but was not allowed to cum unless she asked both Mark, and the women he brought in to the bedroom.
He climbed up on the bed, and knelt over the woman. She was beautiful and very tan, with few tan lines. She had gorgeous thick brown hair, that was almost to her waist. He was playfully licking her nipples, letting his hands wander over her body. She would moan, and reach up to bring him closer, until his body was covering her’s and they were grinding on one another. She could see that Mark was hard now, and she could hear him telling her how hot she was, and how much sexier she was than his GF.
Amanda’s insides were exploding on fire, she was humiliated that he would actually say things like that, and at the same time, it hurt her. A deliciously painful sensation, that went from her heart, to her pussy and made her wet. It more than made her wet, she was drenched. Every bit of her felt like she had electric current running through to her nerve ends. Her nipples hardened, her eyes widened, and mouth parted slightly. She was transfixed on the sight of the two bodies on the bed, Mark and the tan goddess. She saw that the dynamic was different between Mark and the woman, they appeared equals. Not as Master and slave, or Dominant and submissive.
She could tell by the way he was being so attentive to the tan goddess that she wasn’t just a sexual release to Mark. No. There was chemistry there.

Amanda’s heart skipped a beat, and jealousy coursed through her. Straight to her pussy. She was staring at the two people tangled on the bed. They rolled around together, kissing, licking, giggles and moans. She got lost watching them. She was no longer focused, she saw them in her vision, she heard them, but Amanda felt that itch if desire increasing between her legs. She absent mindedly reached down to touch her clit.
Her fingers gently touched the hood, and it was if a lightning bolt struck her. She sucked her breath in. Fingers still lightly touching the hood, the heat spreading more rapidly from under her fingertips up to her pussy, the folds of her labia and inside. She was melting into a puddle.
Amanda looked up and saw Mark entering the tan goddess from behind. She realized just how much she loved him. Her entire life revolved around him, and she wasn’t sure what part she would play in his life from now on.

She snapped out of her fog as she felt her head being pulled back by her hair. “What the hell are you doing??” Mark asked. He pulled again and she opened her mouth as if she was going to respond, but thats when she heard the kitten bell. She realized she was masturbating while her husband was fucking a beautiful brunette woman, and she was sitting naked watching them.
She felt her face turn red and the embarrassment spread down to her chest.
She let her hand drop to her side, her head still facing upwards as Mark was still pulling her hair. Amanda realized she’d been masturbating without asking and that was one of Mark’s pet peeves. She knew what her punishment would be. He loved to humiliate her, but she would rather he physically punish her instead. Sometimes he did both, but there was always humiliation.

Mark loved to humiliate Amanda. He knew what it did to her. How it made her subservient, and almost put her into subspace when combined with his teasing her and refusing to let her cum. And bringing her to that point was quite enjoyable for him. She became desperate to please him, and he really didn’t have to push her to get what he wanted. He would say it once, and she would do it regardless of what it was. It was an added bonus that if he made it humiliating the effect it had on her.
He snickered to himself, he was going to make this unforgettable for her. She just didn’t know it yet. She was beautiful to him, but her beauty was more evident to him when she was in her “space”. No one else had ever given themselves to him like she had. This relationship was based on trust first, and he knew he could never fuck that up and still keep her. So maybe he couldn’t do everything he wanted, when he wanted. It just took a little time to guide her down the path, and he could have it all. They could have it all together.

He yanked her hair back again. “What the hell were you doing my little slut?? You cant keep your hands off your cunt, can you?”
She was looking up at him, unable to speak she nodded her head slightly as to say no.
“she’s beautiful isn’t she? She’s young, a hot tight body, and an incredibly tight pussy thats just begging me to make love to it. Not like the worn cunt you have. No. Not at all.” Mark says this knowing its stirring up all those jealous feelings that really put her over the edge. He knew her cunt would be gushing even if she had never played with it. “She’s incredible. I’ve invited her to stay the night. I didn’t think you would mind. You don’t, do you slut?”
He had never pushed things quite so far with Amanda, but he thought she was ready for it. He was sure he had been able to make her feel secure with him, and she knew Mark loved her.

Amanda’s heart sank as she heard the words come out of his mouth. The feeling that her heart was being ripped away spread down, and into her cunt. She couldn’t believe he would do this. She didn’t know if she could handle this anymore. She looked over at the tan woman on the bed, on Amanda’s own bed. She was perfect. Young, slender and athletic, a deep tan with flawless skin. Her breasts were perfect with beautiful nipples, that at this moment were rock hard. Amanda had the urge to take one of those nipples in her mouth, and play with it, nibble and tease. But Mark still had a tight grip on her hair, she couldn’t move.
Her head was yanked back again. “You don’t mind, do you SLUT??”
She realized she hadn’t answered yet. “no Sir” she says in almost a whisper as she finds her voice.
“Good girl. I didn’t think you would. I know looking at her is making you wet, and you’ve distracted me enough. You may masturbate while watching us make love, but you are not to cum without asking. Is that clear my slut?”
She was nodding up at him, and he knew he had the green light to continue. There were two more things he was going to do with Courtney in front of Amanda, that he hadn’t done with anyone else before. He was excited to be pushing her buttons and allowing her to really get into her “space”.

She watched him climb on the bed to the tan goddess, and lean in to kiss her. He was taking her in his arms, and the tan goddess was wrapping her legs around Mark. He moved his kisses to her neck, and then to her breasts. As he began to lick her nipples Amanda couldn’t take any more, her hand was back at her cunt that was screaming for attention. She wanted to show Mark that she would do anything for him. She needed him that much, just as much as he needed her. She knew most women would not put up with the dynamic that they shared. But Mark thrived on it, and he had let the real woman inside Amanda out. She knew that deep down, he belonged to her, just as much as she did to him.
Amanda was still watching Mark and the tan woman, he was busily trailing kisses and licks down her stomach, towards her pussy. The woman lie on the bed, her legs wide, knees up, and her back arched as she anticipated where he might arrive with his kisses. They looked exquisite together. As though they have spent a lifetime with one another.
She knew Mark would not go down on the woman, that was something he didn’t do with any woman, not even her. Not even on the rare occasion when they had vanilla sex. Amanda continued to play with herself, touching gently, as anything more would send her into a mind blowing orgasm.

He continued to kiss and lick on Courtney, going further and further, until he was kissing just above her clit. He could still hear the kitty bell, not ringing fast and furious, but it was a steady chime in the background. He knew Amanda was still masturbating, which was just what he wanted. he wanted to bring her to the edge. give her that bit of pain she needed, that tug on her heart, the pain of jealousy, and the heat that it caused in her sex. He knew she both loved it and hated it at the same time.
Mark kept Courtney and Amanda on edge at the same time…..not going further, but staying just above Courtney’s pussy. He could smell her sex, it was so aromatic where he was, it was driving him crazy with lust, he could only imagine how it must look to Amanda. When he couldnt wait any longer, he slowly let his tongue slide down her clit to the folds of her pussy, where he could feel how hot and wet she was, and taste the salt of her wetness. “OH MY GOD” Courtney arched her back more, her breasts and nipples pointing straight up as she did. Mark put his mouth on her clit, and sucked moving his tongue around her button, listening to her moan.
Mark noticed that the kitty bell was no longer chiming in the background. Just what he thought. Amanda had stopped, feeling that jealousy, the pain, the desire, all at once. she was frozen with all the mix swirling around inside her, causing an internal fire that was threatening to explode.
He continued to tongue Courtney’s pussy, becoming more determined to have her cum on his face. He slowly inserted a finger in her pussy while he was licking and sucking her clit into his mouth, she was grinding on his face now. He put in a second finger, and then a third, and was fucking her with his fingers, licking her clit, as she was writhing around under his ministrations. Her hands went to his head, and were running through his hair, she was moaning, and saying his name. every so often he could still hear that kitty bell going, for a few seconds, and then it would stop.
Mark took his thumb, and placed it at Courtney’s ass…..just teasing and threatening to enter as his fingers were still fucking her, and she was pushing back grinding into his face, and mouth, he pushed slightly slowly letting his thumb enter, as he did, Courtney’s orgasm began to overtake her, he could feel her pussy contracting around his fingers, and even just at the entrance to her asshole, his thumb could feel it, there was a flood of warm wet salty cum, and mark lapped it up. As she started to come down from her orgasm, she begged him to fuck her. He was more than ready, and sat up, and placed his cock at her pussy, and dived in. he wasn’t gentle now, he was going to fuck her like there was no tomorrow.


Amanda’s pain was coursing through her now, watching Mark with the tan goddess. Her pain was about to explode into desire in her cunt and clit. She knelt at the bedside, both hands on her thighs. she couldn’t touch herself, she would cum immediately. She didn’t want to disappoint him. not now. she would cry to him later, later when he would hold her, and soothe her pain away.
She was transfixed by the sight of him fucking the tan woman, fucking like he hadn’t had sex in a year. pounding her pussy, her cries of “YES, YES” Amanda watched, wishing that he was fucking her, wishing that the tan woman wasn’t here, and at the same time, she needed him to be with someone else. She just didn’t think that he would ever bring home someone that looked like she could be Miss America.
She hear a roar come from Mark, she could tell he was cumming in the tan woman. and the woman was wrapping her legs around Mark pulling him into her deeper. As Mark finished, he all but collapsed on the tan goddess, and they were both whispering to one another. Amanda had made it, without cumming on her own…..she hadn’t asked for permission yet, and she’d made it through the most difficult part.

Mark rolled off Courtney, and called Amanda to the bed. He saw she was hesitating slightly. “get on the bed slut, you can have a taste of the two of us together”. Mark knew she thought she was going to clean his cock. As he watched her climb on the bed, he told her to stop between Courtney’s legs. “there is more than enough of our cum in Courtney’s sweet pussy for you to taste. Get busy, because i promised Courtney that she could cum again”.
They had talked about this as a fantasy. He knew Amanda thought that he wouldn’t really make her do this, but he also knew that she depended on him to push her to do the things from her fantasies, or she would never do them. She had blossomed into a wonderfully sexual woman under him. He knew how to help her become the person she fantasized about being.

Amanda slowly positioned herself between Courtney’s legs, she could see his cum beginning to leak from her pussy. She could smell Mark between Courtney’s legs. Being right there, seeing the evidence of her man having freshly fucked another, the pain of the jealousy made her cunt increasingly wet, and her cunt was again contracting on it’s own. She leaned in, and tentatively licked her pussy, and the mixture of cum. after a few licks, it was as if she was hovering above them, looking down on herself eating Mark’s cum out of his lover’s pussy. She ravaged Courtney’s pussy, licking and sucking, sticking her tongue in the hot hole, scooping out as much as she could until there was nothing left for her to reach. She then concentrated on Courtney’s clit, and sucked it into her mouth, letting her tongue flick across it, until Courtney pressed her thighs against Amanda’s head, and began cumming again. Amanda could feel the flood of her cum against her chin, and she let go of Courtney’s clit, and began lapping the cum out once again. Suddenly Amanda was aware that Mark was between her own legs, his face just beneath her cunt, she could feel his breath.

Mark’s tongue was hot as it began to lick Amanda. she stopped licking Courtney’s pussy as soon as his mouth was at her own cunt. Mark had never done this to her before, and she was a bit shocked, but not so much that she wasn’t going to enjoy it. She was afraid that it wasn’t going to take long, she had been at the cusp of an exploding orgasm since she got home. Since she saw that ribbon on the door knob.
Mark was normally rough with her, unless they were having vanilla sex, but with his mouth at her cunt, he was being delightfully gentle, maybe he knew that he couldn’t stimulate her too much, because she had been ready to cum for a while now.

He slowly let his tongue glide across Amanda’s clit, it was hard and swollen, sticking out just enough that he didnt have to do much to it. he inserted his fingers in her cunt, and swept them up against her G spot, and as he did, she thrust her hips putting herself further in his mouth. He continued to play her spot, and gently licked her clit, as he felt her explosion building rapidly. Her hands grabbed the side of the bed, and she screamed “HOLY FUCK MARK!!” She involuntarily rode his face, and as she was grinding against him, she was squirting in his mouth.

Mark knew he could get her to let go of her fears and inhibitions. he knew it was there just under the surface. He had already begun making plans for the next cucking.


Very sad news of a fellow blogger, and a virtual friend….. A friend none the less.
You are much missed Marcus!

What does a cuckquean really mean?

It’s not quite the same as the male version which as luck would have it is better known. Cuckold.

Cuckold historically referred to a husband with an adulterous wife and is still often used with this meaning. In evolutionary biology, the term cuckold is also applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own.[1] Since the 1990s, the term has also been widely used to refer to a sexual fetish in which the fetishist is stimulated by their committed partner choosing to have sex with someone else.[2]

Historically, the term was generally considered to be a great insult, and leveling an accusation that a husband had raised another man’s child (thus implying that he had been a cuckold) was deemed a provocation that demanded a fight to the death. [3]

It’s somewhat similar. I’m guessing though, that it might mean different things to different people.

For me, it’s a female who’s committed partner cheats. He does this, with my knowing he’s doing it, and yet not only do I chose to stay with him, but I find it a turn on to know that he is with others. Personally, it’s not easy, it’s painful. And I find that the pain also contributes to my state of arousal. Which is why I also feel I’m an emotional masochist. They go hand in hand.

I think that for most of us that consider themselves part of this fetish, the humiliation of our partners going to others is the main driver.

So for me, I get off on the humiliation, the pain, and the jealousy. Add to that my partners dominance, and it becomes euphoric. And I crave it even more.
It can be terrifying to know that I might be setting up a pattern that I’ll never be able to change though.

How do you know if it’s enough?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Enough for whom? For what?

Am I enough of a submissive for someone to want? Or vanilla enough to marry? Kinky enough to keep? Attractive enough? Skinny enough? Intelligent enough? Young enough?

Young….. That’s another one. Not too terribly long ago I wondered if I was old enough. Now I fear that I am too old.

Who determines enough? Me??? Or the other …… And who that other is, is determined by the question itself.

All of those questions are relative to the one judging. It’s unfortunate that we be judged by others, but it is part of our every day life. I do it. We all do.

I know that once I get to know someone, my opinions of “enough” might change in regards to them. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could change what enough meant for my opinion of myself?

Personally, I think I’m pretty hard on myself most of the time. Yes, that can help me to reach my goals, but can also cause other issues.

Maybe someday i will figure out what enough is, and hopefully it will apply to me.


One word can mean so many different things.
It’s a spice. Both powder and liquid. Also comes in the form of a seed. It’s a flavor. A scent. And can be a description to mean straight laced.

It can be a color. A way you view things.

Love the flavor of vanilla. And even the color is appealing to me. But I do not in any way, want to live my life like Ward and June Cleaver.
Pull my hair, spank my ass, force me to luck your feet. Call me your SLUT. HELL……. Make me your slut. Your personal dirty girl.
Tease me. Withhold orgasms, tease me more. Spank me again, make me a desperate melted puddle of girl goo. Please!

I’m starting to think that the only ones who will treat me like that, even behind closed doors, are really the same ones that are going to break my heart and aren’t worth trusting.

Does no one understand?! At least START off with some roll playing?!? It doesn’t have to be sexual at all.


What am I doing wrong? Or am I just that fucked up???

Previous Older Entries