I left because you treated me horribly. U are both physically and mentally abusive.
My daughter left because of watching it. And how you treated her.
My oldest son put up with more physical abuse than i have. Yes, now he has issues. Mostly cuz of you and his dad. I played a part too. I should have been a better mother, and protected him from you both. I should have left you long ago and given us all a chance.
My middle daughter has been counting the days because youve begun to treat her like u treated me. My youngest daughter has learned narcississim from you. And our 14 yo son is EXACTLY like you. Mentally and physically abusive.

You have destroyed everything. Complete destruction. Nothing left.

And you stand there and wait for me to fix it?
No i dont think so.


Stupidity must be contagious

This is not the normal topic for my blog. I thought I would vent about it anyway, it is something that really bothers me.

You need gas, so you pull up at a gas station and the row is empty no one is at the pump. Do you pull all the way through and use the pump that is furthest from you? Or, do you pull halfway through so that your car is the only car that can dispense fuel at that time?
It’s bad enough when I see one car do this, but when there are two right next to each other and separate rows it just makes me go what the fuck?

Come on now, are you selfish? Or just plain stupid!


Amanda……….The Beginning

Good grief, I hate being late she thinks to herself as she glances at her phone to check the time. He told her to meet at 8 and it’s 10 after. 

She rushes down the sidewalk a little faster hoping that since it’s raining out he will be a little late too. She frowns slightly as she realizes he’s never late. 

Finally she reaches the door to her building and heads inside towards the elevator. Good thing she laid out the clothes she had picked to wear to dinner tonight. They might not be late after all she muses as she steps into the elevator. Amanda presses the number 4 and as it lights, the doors close. 

The elevator car comes to a stop and opens. Amanda dashes down the hall towards her apartment. She reaches down to the doorknob expecting to find it locked, and instead sees a white ribbon tied to it. Her hand frozen in place just above the doorknob she stares at the ribbon. Her heart pounding hard in her chest, she turns the knob slowly. She hopes he doesn’t hear her. Maybe he’s too preoccupied to notice she thought hopefully. 

She quietly shuts the door behind her and gently turns the lock to lock the door. She sets her bags down in the hall and turns towards the bathroom. She notices her dinner clothes are outside the bedroom door upon the floor. The bedroom door is ajar just a bit. Amanda can hear voices, but not what is being said. She stands still and continues to listen. It’s not a conversation she hears, but it is Mark her boyfriend and a woman. She cant see anything through the crack in the door, and decides she’s not going to walk any closer than the bathroom.

She tiptoes down the hall, her cellphone still in her hand towards the bathroom. The voices are definitely louder. She can hear now that they are either having sex, or they are in the midst of foreplay before sex. She hopes that he wont notice she’s come home yet. 

She is almost doing a dance she has to pee so bad, and as she enters the bathroom, she very slowly and quietly shuts the door, and then turns the light on. Trying not to interrupt Mark with his new friend. when she’s done, she stands up and barely turns the water on in the sink to wash her hands, and then drys them. She reaches down to flush the toilet, turns the lights off, and then open the bathroom door to exit. 

As she opens the door, she hears Mark telling his friend that he will be right back, and she can hear his footprints on the hardwood floor coming towards the bathroom. She pokes her head out the doorway, and see’s that he is but steps away. He looks rather irritated that he was interrupted. 

“Did you see the ribbon on the doorknob?” he demands as he continues to walk in her direction. Amanda backs up against the door jam, and just nods her head yes quietly. “Then why aren’t you naked and in the bedroom to take care of my sexy new friend?” he says as he’s towering over her.

She opens her mouth to answer him, in almost a whisper she says “i had to go to the bathroom first, it was a long ride and then walk here”. Amanda hopes he cant tell that she didn’t want to go in the bedroom to see them. She’s fallen head over heels for Mark, and she has always done anything he asked of her, without hesitation. She knew as soon as she saw the ribbon on the doorknob that it meant she was to strip her clothes off, and come to the bedroom and ask him how she could please him. 

Amanda didn’t understand how things got this way. They had been together 3 years, and the last year after she found out he was having sex with her best friend, he had begun to demand she be there to watch him when he had sex with other women. She hated watching it. She loved him so much and it made her completely jealous, and even angry. But all of that was replaced by an aching feeling, almost like an itch that needs to be scratched. Sometimes Mark had her suck his cock when he was done fucking the other women, sometimes she had to lick his cum from their pussies. She really did love the taste of him, even if she had to get it by licking another woman to have it. 

Every time he did this, that feeling inside would just burn. She didn’t understand why, but she never felt desire anything like it. 

The first time she busted him, she had stormed out of the apartment. She saw him fucking Debbie, her best friend since High School. They had even gone to college together, they were more sisters than best friends. 

She had run out of the building and down to the corner where Starbucks was. She got a coffee and sat down, waiting to see Debbie leave, so she could go back up. She sat there and thought about it, she was angry. How could he? WHY would he? and DEBBIE? why would she do this? and the more she thought about it, she noticed that feeling started in her pelvis, and grew. and before she knew it, she realized that picturing him fucking Debbie was making her wet. and she wanted to go back up there and ask him if she could watch. 

Her phone vibrated and she looked down. “it’s safe now, come up” was the message that Mark sent. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go back up yet But she also didn’t want to make him wait. 

She grabbed her coffee, and headed back to the building. 

When she got to the door of the apartment, she saw that it was ajar. Good thing too, since she left her keys inside when she stormed out. 

She stepped inside and saw Mark on the sofa. He was still naked. She frowned when she saw that. 

Mark patted the sofa next to him, and said “SIT” She spoke nothing, and sat next to him. She couldn’t help but to sneak a glance at his cock. He wasn’t quite erect, but he wasn’t soft yet either. She could tell he hadn’t bothered to wash up after Debbie. Just thinking that made her angry again. what the Fuck were they thinking? 

“I’m sorry you saw that” he said. “ i didn’t intend on you walking in to see that, nor did i intend to hurt you”. She could tell he meant it, he was looking right at her when he said it. She however, continued to look at his cock. She wondered how he would taste. She had never been into oral sex, and in fact most of the time, refused to do it. The only time she did it without complaining too much, was when she was on her period. she called it “blow job request week”.

She was watching his cock while he was speaking, and she heard less than 1/2 of what he was saying as she stared at it. She licked her lips. She really just wanted to get down on her knees and take him in her mouth. She had that burning hot feeling inside, and she had to do it….she had to taste him. 

Fuck it, i’m going to do it she thought. she scooted off the sofa, and on her knees before him, as she reached out and took his cock in her hand. Amanda moved her face and mouth within an inch of his cock, which was now beginning to harden again. Mark was still speaking, but she heard nothing he was saying. 

She didn’t move, but stayed there, breathing in the scent of Mark and Debbie. She was salivating just thinking about tasking the mix of them on his cock. She realized it wasn’t just her mouth that was wet thinking about it, Her pussy was drenched, and the burning inside was growing, threatening to overtake her. Amanda stuck her tongue out and tentatively licked the head of his cock. She let her tongue roll around the head, and then slid the head in past her lips into her mouth. She was intoxicated by it. 

Mark had stopped speaking, and was looking down in surprise at Amanda. He expected yelling, screaming, and cussing to begin after she came back. Instead as he had begun to apologize to her, she was suddenly between his legs, sucking his cock. He remembered that he hadn’t cleaned up after he and Debbie had sex. Since they had been interrupted he hadn’t been able to cum yet, so Amanda doing this unexpectedly was quite welcome. Especially since she almost never did it.

Somewhere in there, she had changed. She was ravenously devouring his hard cock in her mouth, to the back of her throat. Mark watched what she was doing, how she had out of no where had changed into a sex crazed woman, with an oral fixation. He reached down and grabbed the back of her head, holding his cock into her throat. “mmmmm yeah….god that feels good” He said. She was looking up at him with his cock in her mouth. She has never looked so beautiful he thought, so incredibly sexy. fucking HOT. “Did you like that baby?” he asks. “Did it make you wet? It did, didn’t it?” he questions as he begins to fuck her mouth in earnest.

Amanda was trying to hum a yes, but Mark’s cock was so hard, and completely filled her mouth. She could barely breathe, and just wasn’t able to say, or do anything to answer his question. He had been holding her head down on his cock, but now he was just skull fucking her. Amanda had both hands on the floor trying to steady herself while he was doing this. She reached down between her legs, and under her skirt. She felt that she had become so wet that her panties had a wet spot spreading on them. I have got to cum she thought. She looked at him with her eyes as he fucked her face. He asked if she liked it, and did it make her wet, but she couldn’t respond and the next best thing was to play with herself. She knew that would answer his questions. She didn’t understand why yet, but she knew she had never been this turned on before. Not even watching porn with Mark. 

Mark was still looking down at Amanda. She didn’t answer his questions yet, but she did spread her legs apart, and began to play with herself. He knew that was an answer to his questions. Oh HELL yes he thought. He began to fuck her mouth harder. The harder he fucked her face, the faster she rubbed her clit. She got that desperate look in her eyes, and Mark knew she was close. He grabbed the back of her head, wrapped his hands in her hair, and said “you want my cum baby? do you?” He could feel that he didn’t need to hold her head anymore, she was fucking her own mouth on his cock while she was rubbing herself at the same time. “Swallow it all baby, don’t miss a drop” he said to her. She wasn’t pushing with the same force, and He glanced down, and could tell she was starting to orgasm. “oh fuck yes! “ he said as he pushed her head onto his cock, impaling her on it. Amanda was in the midst of cumming, and Mark started to cum into her mouth. He pushed his cock back as far as he could, ensuring that he would cum down her throat, and she wouldn’t be able to spit it out.

As he spurted the last bit of cum in her mouth he reminded her “don’t spill any, you lick up anything that doesn’t stay in that mouth of yours” and he slowly pulled out. He looked down at her, and she was licking her lips, her hand still rubbing away on her clit. “did you cum yet?” he asked. Amanda nodded yes.

“Don’t you cum again. You can rub all you want, but you better not fucking cum again, you understand that you little slut?” He knew this was testing the waters, but she looked almost high and he thought if there was ever a time to see what would happen talking to her like this, it was now. 

“You really loved the taste of Debbie’s pussy juice on my cock, didn’t you? “ he asked her. She was still staring up at him, her mouth open and empty, and her hand was furiously rubbing her clit. “I bet Debbie would let me cum in her. You could lick my cum out of her beautiful tight pussy, i bet you would like that, wouldn’t you slut?”

Amanda felt it growing again, she couldn’t stop it. Mark talking about Debbie’s tight pussy, and him cumming in her, was more than she could take. she wanted to be able to lick it out of her, and the thought of it sent her over the edge again, and she started cumming again, harder and faster than the first time with Mark in her mouth. She laid back, letting her orgasm overtake her, contracting in waves from her head to her toes. She was moving her hips against her hand, and it kept going and going. Finally it started to ebb and she noticed that Mark was now standing above her head. He was looking straight down at her. “i fucking told you Slut, DO NOT CUM AGAIN” he bellowed. 

Part 7…..a false sense of trust

After my initial attempt of moving to upstate NY to be full time with Mr. NY as his submissive, i moved back where B and my kids were. I arrived back during “Snowmageddon” and feet and feet of snow. I began to look for a new job. I tried to place trust in B, and tried to make things good between us. At the time, i thought we were making some progress, however i now know better. He was really having several affairs during this time. And speaking of me rather disparagingly during all of this.

I was able to find employment, it was a short term gig, i was a contractor and as an added bonus, the position required a clearance. so i had additional hoops to jump through.

In the fall of that year, i had a bit of a scare. i experienced chest pains, and quite a pressure on my chest. As my previous occupation, i learned quite a bit of cardiology and i didnt take any chances. I went to the closest ER, and an EKG was done. At the time, an irregular heartbeat was seen, and i was admitted to the hospital. I was there 3 days total, with a stress test included. Oh how much FUN that was.

It was decided that i had a bout of angina. Perhaps stress related. (oh geee….you think? ) however, they would not discount some other underlying medical issues i have as being part of the problem. We would watch things for now.

The end of the contract was approaching, and i spent the last day there looking for another job. i found about 4, within one company and applied. They were really the only jobs i had applied for, and i was thinking i would be ok with some time off. During this time, all the emotional and physical abuse with B continued, and was taking a toll. The company called, i had an interview the next day, and an offer the same day as the interview. It took an additional month to start the new job though.

I was hopeful that during the month time, it would allow B and i time to reconnect and hopefully begin to work on our marriage. I had never really given up hope, and B had been telling me all along he wanted things to work, and he knew he had done fucked up things, and he was going to begin to try to work on “US”. Unfortunately, B has never really done anything. Like most people when someone takes responsibility for their hurtful actions, i expected remorse. I expected him to do what was needed to try. this means talking to one another, among other things. Also, caring how the other feels.

But what B really meant was, he wasnt going to try for anything, he didnt want to make any sort of effort, he would continue to lie, and cheat, and tell me how nasty and ugly i am, and how my birth parents didnt even want me, because they just threw me away too. He wishes he could throw me away, but it didnt seem to matter, because no matter what he had done, who he had fucked, even in the house, i never left. He told me that he would just do anything, and anyone he wanted, and i was just going to stay and take it, because i’m so fucking pathetic.

I couldnt wait for my job to begin. i needed a break from all the crap. I started my new job, and B and i would ride in together, he had to go by my building on his way in. Most of those mornings were me being angry, and him making excuses, or making me cry. i would beg him to either love me, or end the pain, and end our marriage. His response was always (and still is) “i love you, i dont want to end it” and yet, nothing gets better, in fact, things have only gotten worse since that time.

Sometime during month 2 at this job, he received a phone call. i could hear a woman speaking to him. i also could tell by the look on his face, that he didnt expect her to call, and that he was hiding something. I later find out that this particular woman is someone that he went to high school with, and he began an affair with her 5 days into my new job. since i wasnt at home, he was able to take off of work, and continue his search for women.

Of course, when i found out who she was, i knew she had been present at quite a few events that “WE” had been to. And i use “WE” in quotes here, because initially B and i were not going to be going together. all the events i had seen her at, i had decided to accompany him at the last moment. Of course this meant that B had introduced her into a closer circle of people. People that we socialized with regularly. And this did effect me, and my choice thereafter to be around those people. They are nice enough people, but i also know the things that B and his FB had been saying of me. None of them were nice.

B asked me to forgive him, he sent his FB an email stating he wanted to be with me, and his intent to work things out. At that time, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. We began to attend some BDSM related munches in a different city, so as not to run into the FB. After having gone to several, we became friendly with a few of the people. One in particular i was pretty friendly with. She identified as a switch. After numerous conversations, over months, attending events, and hanging out, i then found out that B was also carrying on an affair with her, and they were both lying to my face about it.

Unfortunately, when that happened, (my finding out) the switch decided to bad mouth ME, so she didnt have to go to events and worry about my being there. I guess she was affraid that i would do something?

When i found out that B and the switch had been having an affair, he chose to tell me about 4 other women that day as well. I was, as you can imagine, crushed. Sobbing, i got ready for work. He asked me not to go, he knew i was upset, and wanted to talk to me. I couldnt look at him though, i needed time away from him to decide how i felt about all of this. When i was done at work, B had stopped answering his phone, and in fact turned it off. It was dark, raining, and cold. And i was sobbing on my way home. the closer i got to home, the worse i felt. on my way, because of a combo of the weather, and my sobbing, i couldnt see, and i accidentally drove into a ditch, and hit my head in the car. Of course, i wasnt able to reach B as his phone was off. I did leave a voice mail.

I had someone help me with my car, and i was able to drive it, there was minimal physical damage thankfully. however, B didnt call. he didnt come home either. ………


(to be continued)


Maybe I am a submissive because even as a kid when I recall fantasies of being submissive took place, I somehow realized I wanted and perhaps needed someone to protect me. 

Maybe I’m not really submissive. 

Maybe I’m just fucked up. 

 Maybe I let, and ASK people to treat me like shit because that’s the behavior I already know?

Maybe that’s why I see nice guys as not Dominant enough?


Maybe…….oh fuck a bunch of maybe. I know I’m fucked up. I trust people who never should have been trusted. I loved people who didn’t deserve my love. 

God help me, just get out of my life. Go away. I don’t exist any more. Not the person I was. I trust no one. Not one person. And, I’m asking people to treat me badly. When all I really want is to be loved, cherished and protected. 

And I have no idea how to even ask for that, without sounding pathetic. 

So, I’ve just decided it’s better to be alone the rest of my life. I would be able to save myself that way. Never letting anyone in any more. Not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. Not even a little. 


Maybe I should quit my job, change my name, and run far far away where no one knows me. Or better yet….

Maybe Gilligan’s island really does exist. I would love to be there alone with my music and books. For the rest of my life. 

the sound of Rolling Thunder




Another Memorial Day and the sound of Rolling Thunder as they pass by the DC area. My thanks and Gratitude to our active duty soldiers, as well as those who have served before them. It’s because of all of you that our country can celebrate such a wonderful holiday weekend!!

LET THE SUMMER BEGIN!! Pools are open!!!




Every time i see this photo it brings tears to my eyes. Very simply, i long to be protected by loving strong arms like these. I wish i could swap places with her. 

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