asking for help

Well, i will just say i dont fucking get it. 


Im 100 miles from home. In my car. Crying. Because i let him push my buttons again. 

I texted or tried to communicate with a dozen different people. Not a single one responded. I thought mayne talking might make me feel better or at the least distract me from him saying shit. 

Not anything from anyone but B. 

This is precisely why i pray to die every morning. 

Even my family is ignoring me

Any men that show interest, its to use me. Im either a distraction, or sex. Just perfect. Then why am i told to ask for help? When i do no one gives a fuck?



my world is upside down

I certainly wasnt looking for him, yet he was right there in front of me. He had checked on me from time to time as he knows B, and knew the things (some of them) i had been going through. 

He is also going through a separation, and because he’s so easy to talk to we shared with one another. 

 Somewhere along the way, kink was mentioned. We both looked at a check list talked a bit, and left it alone. I dont know why i gavehim the URL to this blog, but i did. He shared a little more with me. When he saw that i was having a rough day, he texted me, showing nothing but concern. 

After talking for months that we should have coffee, we finally arranged time. And then went for dinner. He was very much the gentleman. Very polite, and very handsome. 

After dinner we chatted outside, and i was feeling decidedly submissive. And then he touched me. The small touch, a gentle gesture, ignited a fire within me. It was almost instant, and hasnt gone out since 

Ive had a lot of smiles since then. Today it dawned on me, i didnt recognize the feeling because it had been so long. I am HAPPY!!!!

I actually had to stop and pull my car over.  I messaged him right away. I was crying tears of joy. In just a few short days, hes given me so much. He says the right things at the right time. And every time he’s touched me i have just melted. He has made me feel incredible. Stirred feelings i thought were long dead. 

He has turned everything upside down. Hes captured my heart. Each day those feelings quadruple. My head is spinning, my heart aches for him, and he consumes all of my thoughts. 

 I could tell i was falling for him hard and fast. I tried to warn him. He just kept saying the perfect things. Its as if he has a window to my soul. I belive today my heart let go of so much,  it knew before i did. Time to let some of the pain i had been holding onto, go. It needed to make room for him. 

Yes readers, i have fallen head over heels for this wonderful man. Completely and utterly, hopelessly in love with him. No, i havent told him exactly. I didnt want to scare him off. 

I can tell, this is where i am supposed to be…. Kneeling at his feet. 


please give me strength


I pray every day that i wont wake up. I want to be dead. 

I hope that i can gather the strength to end this sick life myself. 

Im forever fucked up. Im never going to be able to let anyone close. I just get my hopes up. But i cant. I cant do it. I cant trust anyone. I dont want to feel anything anymore. I just want to be dead. 

Im that fucked up.  I cant be alone at all. Because it only takes a few minutes till im back to where i was, wanting to die and looking around to see what i have on hand that mght do the deed. 

Im worthless. Pittiful. Pathetic. Not worth loving. Not worth anything. God please help me to do this. Please let me be able to end this pain so i can rest. Im so tired.  So so tired. 


once a cheater always a cheater?

Ive heard this said so many times. I honestly dont think its true across the board. 


I have been the cheater, and the betrayed spouse. The wayward spouse, as well as the other woman. Im not saying im wualified to speak on the subject, but since i have experience as all parts of this equation, i will speak to that. 

As the BS, nothing i have ever felt hurts as bad. No, not even physical pain. And you can stick a bandaid on a boo boo till it heals, being cheated on takes a long time, if you ever truly heal. Mistrust, doubts, fear of being hurt again, all affect My relationships. Both with the offender, and any relationship going forward. Makes it difficult to get close to someone else if you cant fully trust them. 

As the WS, i felt abandoned. This is just my particular instance. I felt neglected. Alone. Uncared for, and unwanted. Perhaps thats because i was being cheated on. Unbenownst to me. This caused me to seek out what i wanted as well as needed from someone else. The right way to do this would have been to talk to him about this. And if things went unresolved, i should have ended the relationship before i moved on. 

I was being selfish though. I wanted to keep my family, and get what i wanted and needed someplace else. Being completely selfish. 

The other woman, is such a conflicted place to occupy. I want him, but knew to begin with he waswith someone else first. I want him for myself, but already know hes a cheater and a liar. Do i want to take that chance? Im jealous that he goes home to her. 


Does it mean that once a cheater always a cheater?

I dont think so. At least i hope not. People make mistakes. And perhaps we learn from them. 

Learn to control your impulses. Be honest with your significant other. Dont lie. Dont withhold info. Cherish what you have. Dont take anything for granted. It may be gone before you know it. 

I feel like making a commitment is something that is sacred. Dont neglect the responsibility. Infidelity is up to the cheater. Its a choice. We can recover given time. But never repeat the action. NEVER. 

one night in May


This is something i write a day or two after these events took place. To the best of my ability, this is as close as i could get to accurate.

you pick me up, i have been waiting for you, dressed in a short mini skirt, and a black sleeveless shirt. it’s cut like a tube top almost, but long, and flowing at the bottom, and goes well with the boots i am wearing, that come to my knees, and lace all the way up. the heels on them are at least 5 inches.

as i get in the car, you tell me to hike up my skirt, so you can see my pussy, and you run a finger from the top of my clit, down towards the seat, where I’m sitting, feeling how wet i am. i catch my breath, as i feel your finger run across me, across my clit, with just the right pressure, i moan lightly. wishing you would press your fingers inside me. aching for it.

you reach up, and pull the top of my shirt down, exposing my breasts and tell me to buckle up, leaving them out, and exposed. you instruct me to spread my legs and to play with myself, but not to cum. As you start to drive, you pinch and pull in my nipples, telling me what a slut i am. that i would just get in, be sopping wet, and ready to fuck. only a slut is like that. your words make me wetter, feeling your hands on my nipples……i have barely just begun, but i am almost ready to cum. i have to back off a bit, so i don’t lose control, and you see this. you tell me to move forward and open the glove box.

as i lean forward, and open the glove box, there is a toy, with a handle, that is to go in my pussy, and the handle to make it easier to fuck me with. You instruct me to put it in, continue playing with my clit, and not to cum. i am to fuck myself with it. and not stop.

as you drive, you turn the inside light on in the car. you tell me to look out the window, we are right beside a truck, and the driver is watching me, with my legs spread, fucking myself with a toy, tits hanging out, grinding against my hand that’s rubbing my clit, and the toy in my pussy. i am so wet, i can feel it dripping down me, towards your seat.

you refuse to let me cum, driving that toy deeper and faster into my pussy. telling me what a slut i am, you cant believe how wet i am, you can see it all over your toy, and almost dripping out of me onto your seat. you tell me that you will let me cum when you count down to one. starting with 30…..i rub my clit harder, grinding against the toy, a moan pushes past my lips….29…..rubbing my clit faster still, i turn my head to the side, so i can watch you, as you drive, holding that toy in my pussy…….28…….my hips rise off the seat looking for the warmth of your

hands while trying to hold it off, not wanting to cum yet, trying not to disappoint you…….27…….i can feel it building inside me, right at the edge, looking at you, wanting you so bad……..26…….”don’t you cum you filthy slut” omg……i cant keep it in, and i start to stiffen, as my orgasm takes over me, bucking my hips into your hand and arm, as i hear you telling me what a slut i am, that i cant even keep from cumming. You tell me that i am going to pay for that later, and i had better not made your seat wet, or i will be licking, and sucking it clean of my juices.

you drive into a darker parking lot, and park the car, and tell me to clean the toy, and put it back in your glove box. i do as you tell me, with your hands on my nipples, pulling and pinching, keeping me constantly aware of the pain. i am certain that i have made a puddle in your seat, i cant help it, you keep me wet, sopping wet. all i can think of is sex. my brain has been sucked out of my head, and my cunt, that is dripping wet, is all that i can think about.

you come around, and open the car door, telling me to pull my shirt up, and my skirt down, that you don’t want to be embarrassed, so can i please not look like a common whore. you have me take your arm, and walk with you into the building. once inside, you lead me into another door, and i see a bar area. to the right is a dance floor, couches, a DJ booth, a stage with poles, and a cage.

you lead me to the couch closest to the stage, and sit me down. you point out that on the stage is a cross, where someone is being whipped, a spanking bench where someone is being paddled, another area where someone is being bound with rope, and once i have seen all that, i notice someone to the right of us, with a violet wand. i feel your hand on my nipple, and you yank my shirt down again, exposing my left breast, so you can sit and idly play with it. i absolutely love this. i loved my nipples and breasts to be played with. i feel my cunt start to flood again. with all the activity going on around us, all i can do is look at you, with my eyes full of lust, knowing that i am going to do anything you tell me to.

you pull my left leg up over your lap, and push my right leg further apart. my cunt feels gaping open, wet…..begging for attention. anyone walking on the stage can see me, or anyone before the stage, and i notice a couple of guys standing watching you playing with me. i reach to hold you with my hand, and you smack it away. telling me that I’m not allowed to touch you. your hand works it’s way to my cunt, and you stick it in, and fuck me fast and furious for a moment, pull it out, and wipe it clean in my hair.

You get up and walk around, and force me to sit on the couch, with my legs splayed open for all to see my cunt, and how wet i am, my right breast still exposed.

you watch me sit uncomfortable, knowing that others are watching me, and i look over at you and you have such a grin on your face. you are talking to a couple, who keep looking over while smiling. i wonder what you are saying, and it’s making me wetter knowing that you are talking about me.

you come back to me, and grab my nipple, and pull me up to my feet. you tell me to fix my shirt, and to follow you, we head past the bar, and down the stairs. at the bottom of the stairs, there is a “check in” where rooms are reserved. 12 rooms, plus an orgy room, and a lounge. A guy with hair down to his waist starts our tour. as we enter each room, you reach under my skirt and finger my clit and piercing. i am so wet, it’s an audible sound that it makes, I’m sure the long haired guy can hear it. he appears not to though. he leads us through the rooms, a school room, room with a round bed, room with fountains, a bdsm room, etc…till we get to the “orgy” room. an open room with 6 or 7 beds in it, he explains that there are no reservations made for this room, it’s a free for all. anyone can use it, any time.

you reach down, and are really rubbing my clit, and I’m grinding and pressing myself into your hand. “look at what a slut she is” you say out loud. it makes me turn beet red from embarrassment and i just grind more onto your hand. “look at her, she’s a filthy slut, you know she would love for you to put your fingers in her too” you state. I’m so embarrassed i cover
my face with my hands. you lean in “tell him cunt” you whisper. i nod my head up and down, YES. that’s not enough. you tell me to use my words, say it out loud. i barely whisper, “please put your fingers in me”. he wasted no time, sticking 3 fingers in my pussy, and fucking me fast and hard with them. i can feel myself start to sway, and you reach out, and steady me, so i don’t fall. you tell me to kick my feet apart further so he can get to my pussy easier.

i am so wet, and so full of lust, but i cant relax. I’m nervous, and i think you know this. you whisper to me that it’s OK to cum. but i cant let it go. when he takes his fingers out, they are covered in my pussy juice. he wipes it off in my hair….you push me back against the wall. you shove your fingers in roughly, and pull them out, and make me suck them clean. you take your hand against my throat, and i can hear a few people at the door to the room, at the next tour. it makes me even wetter. i think i must be leaking cum down my legs now.

ocean city



Eventually after the whole trip to camp and what not, my parents let me take a weekend trip with Tony and Brenda. We drove up in a conversion van with a large bed in it.


It didnt occur to me that Tony only really hung out with young adults. Ie teenagers. Actually, it only occured to me now that im thinking back on all of this.

I know when we were at the beach, we were in public. I do recall feeling jealousy i think. Strange i would remember that.

I remember riding rides on the boardwalk, and Tony sliding his hands between my legs to try to play with my pussy. Brenda was on the other side of him and she saw a lot. She never said a word. To this day, im not really sure if she was glad he was leaving her alone, or if she found Tony’s next victims for him.


How fucked up does this really make me if when typing all this out, i get turned on? Not just thinking about sex per se, but wet. Wanting to masturbate. To cum.

Off topic for a moment, when i first began to masturbate, i could only do it when reading porn of some sort or lesbian photis in penthouse or the like. Never really thought much of that. Till now. I wonder why hetro porn isnt my thing. Never has been. Not ever now. I love to watch multiple women. Women are just sexier if you ask me.


Tony walked me back to his van. Everyone else was watching the sun go down, watching the boardwalk lights, or looking for something to get into. Just he and i in the van. I remember my stomach first hurting, and then i felt like there was a hole in me. Like the essence of me was draining out that hole. I felt like i would pass out.

Once in the van, Tony took his jeans off and laid back on the bed. He wanted me to take mine off as well, and lie there with him. He was kissing me, and stroking his cock with his hand. He stopped kissing me, and hand me suck him off. Yes, things still felt pleasurable, but this was different. I could feel him almost angry? I couldnt place it. He wasnt acting the same he was before. He was different this time, and it scared me. He didnt do anything different. I just felt it though.

I think that ultimately i was looking for someone to like me, or for someone to love me. i realize i had parents, but i think i have mentioned this in a previous post, that they definitely favored my brother. Because they treated us completely different, i felt unloved, and pretty much unwanted. In fact i often felt that they adopted me because there was not a baby boy available at that time, when that is what they wanted. because as soon as a boy came available, they adopted him, and well……different set of standards.

i think maybe i was afraid if i didn’t do what he wanted, or do what he expected, he wouldn’t like me any more, and maybe even ignore me. I had very few friends as a kid, and growing up, i can really only recall 3 girlfriends. that’s it. the rest of my friends were guys. dunno why. still the same to this day.

back to the beach trip. I don’t recall much else on this particular visit, with the exception of specific music, which i always liked, until i started to remember things around these events, and now i cant listen to the music anymore. it makes me sick to my stomach. literally. I dont much care for going to Ocean City any more either. in fact, i havent been since 1999. and i’m ok with that.

The Pretender

Im lying at the poolside, thinking to myself that the events of the last 48 hours were expected.
I knew better. I did. I was starting to feel better, almost alive. I cancelled my plans with Dave Grohl for what?
Dont worry Dave. I will be there with my mosh pit besties.
Besides surfing near the pit always did make me feel alive, especially in the summer! Nothing like that feeling……nothing.

See you in a couple of days Dave! And im sorry i let you down. Im correcting that i hope!!

Previous Older Entries