3rd time’s a charm, or 3rd best? get in line!

so we picked at date. Sorta. April 9, 2016. 

We’ve lived together a little over a year now. I’ve met both his ex wives and all his kids. He’s met all but one of my kids. 

I often feel 3rd, 4th, or 5th best. I might come after the ex wives or his kids, or even my own. But rarely do I feel first. 

I’ve been a first wife. That worked out so well, that we divorced and I then became the second wife and stepmom. I thought i had a fairly good handle on the step mom bit, and staying away from drama. 

Guess again. This time, the first Mrs. W and M bought this home together. She left him for another man, and took 1/2 of everything. He had to buy her out of the home, and kept it. They shared 50/50 custody. 

The second Mrs. W and M had a pre-nup. He was trying to assure what little he had left would be safe in the event of a divorce. In both cases M married the women with bun’s in the oven. The second Mrs. W lived hin the home too. She left before the baby was a year old, and at 2.5 years of separation, she came back. 2.5 years after that, she split again. 

6 months later, I came in the picture. I now live in a home that he shared with both of the ex wives. 5 of my own children are living here full time. Its been a struggle to make this my home too. 

I always feel like i will be invited to leave at a moments notice. I have no clue what goes on with either of the ex wives, but communication with #2 is very frequent. She is adamant that even though we live together, I’m his paramour, only because she’s refused to admit to the existance of thier signed pre-nup, and subsequently refused to agree to a divorce. Now, she tells anyone who will listen, including her son, that im not family, and I’m the reason they split up. 

M asked me to marry him, and presented me with a beautiful ring, which I was overjoyed to accept. Since then, even though he’s still in litagation with both of them, and will be divorced this year, as they already have the trial date. Not a hearing, but a trial. Multie days. Neither is rich, but the #2 insists that he give her 1/2 of everything as well, stating there never was a pre-nup. (Although she does think he lost it, so i think she’s banking on that)

More than anything, I want a wedding. I never had one. Both times I was married at the courthouse, and Ive never had a wedding, despite being promised i would have one. Ive dreamed about it since i was small. For as long as i can remember. I no longer expect to be like cinderella, but i still want that special ceremony and day with my family and friends. 

Now M and i discussed it. He gave me some parameters after i asked. My heart sank. I feel like he has had two beautiful weddings, so a third just isnt that big a deal to him. For me, i’ve had to share everything, including a home i struggle to be my own, because the two former wives both made this thier homes. 

I want something i’ve never had. I want it with him. A special day for the celebration and union of our combined families. My own family has never seen me be married. And i honestly feel like this is the one thing i could have to be mine, his, OURS. 

But he really seems uninterested. I want to look at dresses, venues, colors, decor, find an officiant…..and now with the paramater he has put there i feel like although i knew i wouldnt get a wedding i had dreamed about since i was a small girl, i wont even have the chance to have a wedding at all. More like i am agreeing to have a JP service in the yard. 

So why go through the motions then? If im not going to have one, at least a smaller version of what my dream was, then dont tease me by saying we can, only to tell me that my parameters are so limited, that its not really a wedding. We can save money and time and just go to the courthouse. I can wear jeans. I have before. 

That way, my heart isnt broken, and i know exactly what the expectation is. 

His response to that?

“I will fill you in on my insurance as my domestic partner and we can leave it at that”

Ok. So now i dont even get JP? Then why give me a ring? To tease me? I am just crushed. Beyond words. 

You see, I told him in the beginning that i never wanted to get married again. Ive been left both times too. I have abandonment issues, and if you’ve read my blog at all, that’s pretty clear. But i also didnt want to have someone fill my head with a promise of a wedding, only to pull the rug out from under me. Maybe it’s silly, but a wedding is hugely important to me. It always has been. I might be mostly liberal in my daily life, but in this particular instance, i’m pretty traditional. I long to be a BRIDE. WITH A GROOM I’M IN LOVE WITH. I could have that, but he feels differently i guess. 

I dont even want to discuss it anymore. Im afraid to. I already feel so damn worthless. Im not worth marrying, being faithful to (not talking M here) and not worth having a wedding with. 

My longest dream and desire has been destroyed. 

Still just as confused as ever

I am just a big fucking mess. I am all over the spectrum.

I hate hate hate, what being an emotional masochist and cuckquean do to me. the effect they have on me, i despise. I cant help it though, and i have no control of how/when things happen. Realistically things will only have that erotic, arousing, completely sexual effect on me, if i have some connection to the person who is behaving in such a way that it triggers all this in me.

Lusting after someone who has opened a door that i closed a while ago…….is it a good thing, or not? should i just go with it, or run away? Is it cheating on B, if he and i have been separated (living completely apart) for over 2 years? Not only living in different homes, but different states, and no sexual contact in any form during that time.

If i decide to walk through the open door, how much am i to trust this person? I have been burned before. too many times.

I would love to be able to live in the kinky lifestyle without all the emotional pain, without the feeling like the bottom has dropped out of my world, and hoping and praying that the other person wont turn his back while i am falling.

Perhaps that’s because i haven’t ever been able to trust someone completely, with the exception of B, in the beginning. I cant trust them, and yet i share my secrets, and i allow them to hurt me emotionally…..and they haven’t deserved my trust. Because they don’t stick around to make sure I’m not falling apart after the pain. Sure they come back, but ultimately they come back to use me, not because they care if the toy they are playing with is in good condition or not. Or if they are just going to use the toy (me) until i am un-useable anymore.

Sometimes i wish i could find a kink friendly counselor to talk to. Who might understand my submissive part, and not try to get me away from that. I enjoy that part. i don’t see it as something that keeps me down. I know when i can be submissive, and i know when i have control. I know where it’s appropriate in vanilla life, work life, and behind closed doors. I don’t want to get rid of that part of me. I do want to figure out how to be able to deal with my particular kink though. Because ultimately I tend to hold on to hurt and pain, especially when the person that inflicts it, is a complete narcissistic asshole, and walks off uncaring.

And sometimes after all the hurt and pain, i sit, and try to heal myself, and i find myself thinking about things that happened long long ago. Thinking that what i have done in my life since then, has made me the biggest fucking slut, out of anyone i know. and i equate sex with acceptance.

i am all over the map. and i’m fucking confused as hell, so if anyone has recommendations on a kink friendly counselor in the Mid-Atlantic, please drop me a note!

a quandry

Do i, or dont i?

 

Do i follow my heart, even though it doesnt see he’s a narcissist?

Do i give him the benefit of the doubt, when the rest of me thinks hes still lying to me?

Do i let go and forgive for the cheating and lies?

 

A friend is my adviser

I have no reason to feel a twinge of jealousy, but i do.

A smile. A chuckle, a twinkle in my eye. Thats what hes been giving me.

Do i accept his offer for a confidant?

Test the waters, or keep to the confines of friends?

I want to blow his mind with wonderful feelings and sensations,

Introduce him to the same addiction i have

Denial, forcing things, control, obedience, devotion

 

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for offering your friendship and confiding in me.

Open the door that i might step through and fill you with passion and desire.

Open your door and heart to love.

i used to ask God

I used to ask God what i did to deserve all this pain and hurt.

I eventually began tp pray that i find someone to truely love me.

Now i just pray that this pain ends. Soon.

part 5 …..State of Love And Trust

Ok. Im a little corny, but i couldnt resist throwing in a Pearl Jam reference 🙂

 

During the fall of 2009, B was having sex with Y. But Mr. NY was also seeing someone. He began to see “Red”. They met face to face on October 8th. Red became his submissive at that time. He push a lot of limits with her that he and i had talked about, and i was looking forward to being able to do those things with him.

I didnt know about his involvement with Red until the day before Halloween. He spent pretty much every day with her. And all of thier interactions were Dom/sub. Nothing was vanilla. During that time he spoke to me less and less. While we still talked daily, i was hurt and confused about both B and Mr. NY.

At the beginning of that month B asked me to go to Chicago to his HS reunion. I was hoping it would be a chance for us to reconnect as a couple. He drove up 2 days before i flew in. After i arrived, i was exhausted and needed to eat and rest a bit. B decided to go to a non sponsored event called a mixer. He was gone for hours. I tried to call, and text but got no response, and he had the only car.

He arrived back with lipstick on his shirt and in one of the most hateful and evil moods i had ever seen in him. He tried to choke me as i was crying. Really choke me. He punched me in the side of my head. He took my stuff to his car with the intentions of dropping me at the airport and telling me to find my own way home. I was in his way, and ruining everything for him. He then tried to force me out of the moving car.

The next night at the reunion, he took me and then ignored me. I didnt know a single person. And he didnt speak to me, nor introduce me. A couple of hours later, he forced me in the car and dropped me off at the hotel, and went back so he could have sex with Ms. Berry.

It was a long ride back to the DC area. I cried the entire 12 hours.

So i was very hurt and alone. I felt discarded, unwanted and unloved. I felt more isolated and worthless during this time.

After Mr. NY told me about Red, i made the trip to see him. I will get into this story in a bit. I was there 5 days, upon my return home, i walked in to find B having sex with my oldest daughters best friend. She turned 18 a week before. And she had been living with us, and i had been supporting her and treating her as my own daughter. I’ll call her Rex going forward.

I didnt throw a fit. I didnt cry. Rex however grabbed her clothes, climbed off my husband, and ran out. I went upstairs alone, and began crying. B came up screaming at me. He got dressed, and ran out after Rex, leaving me sobbing. The 6 weeks that preceeded this was probably the worst in my life. I prayed and asked God to please let me die. I wanted to stop hurting. I couldnt take being told how worthless i was anymore. B told me how he had to have sex with other women, because since i had kids my pussy was like a gaping grand canyon. How he couldnt feel me ever. He told me i was fat. Old. Ugly. A horrible mother. And since i was adopted he threw in how my birth parents didnt even want me. The parents who did adopt me both left me when i wad 15. No one wanted me. I became so depressed, and despindant i quit my job. I felt my family was the most important. And i loved them, and i really just wanted someone to love me back.

During this, my youngest kids would call me a nasty cunt to my face. B had become accustom to calling me such things in front of them. They woud tell me they didnt love me. It just drove me further into depression.

 

 

part 4….. long distance

Much of the relationship i had with Mr. NY was long distance since he lived in upstate NY, and i in the Washington DC area. He made 2 visits here to see me, and i went up there so many times i honestly don’t recall.

Long distance consisted of any type of communication except smoke signals. Phone, texting, email, google voice, yahoo, face time, skype, AOL IM, ventrillo, and im probably leaving something out but you get the drift. We talked multiple times every day. Much of 2008 was just learning about each other, testing boundaries, while he was figuring out the Dom side he has. As of the writing of this, mr. NY is probably my perfect kinky match.

In late 2008, i accidentally discovered that Mr. NY had been lying to me. I was crushed. Because i was married to, and still living with B, i decided after talking to Mr. NY, that this particular lie would be forgiven, we would continue on. He would be honest, as would i, and i would visit as much as i could as his submissive.

In April of 2009, i found Mr. NY in another lie. Yes again i was crushed. This time however, i could not let this go as easily. He had been sleeping with an X GF.  For a while, and hiding and lying to me about it.

Somewhere around this time is when i started to understand that i really was an emotional masochist. Anything that Mr. NY did to me along the lines of cheating, or pulling my emotional strings, made me melt. It made me so wet and horny, i could barely keep my hands off my pussy trying to make myself cum.

I don’t get it. I hate it. But that’s what this very specific type of emotional pain does to me. It took me a bit to connect the dots but this is where it began.

 

While i am in the midst of my LDR with Mr. NY, im still living in the same house with B. We are basically going through the motions. We don’t have sex at all, we work opposite shifts so in fact we really don’t even see one another much, nor sleep in the same bed together.

At some point in 2009 i told B that i had continued my relationship with Mr. NY and many of the BDSM aspects of it. Underneath it all, i loved B. I didn’t want to be vanilla, and while that’s no excuse it’s why i began and continued my LDR with Mr. NY   Yes it was wrong. On many levels. I also understand that i opened the door for some of the way i was treated in the years to follow.

B told me he was going to watch a football game with some of the “guys” from his H. S. And he would be home after the game. When he failed to show up after the game, i called him only to find him with Y. (A woman he did go to school with)

He was arrested for driving on a suspended license that night, and the following morning i pawned my rings to bail him out. And missed work on top of it all. 3 weeks later, i was at work when our daughter called me to ask where B was. I told her at home sleeping. She explained he wasn’t there, she was there, and he was nowhere around.

I phoned B, and when he answered he sounded much like i woke him up. I tried my best not to sound upset and asked him where he was. He replied to me he was in the bathroom. Well, since i knew he wasn’t at home, i asked who’s bathroom he was in. He responded he was at home. I then explained i knew he wasn’t.

He eventually told me he was at Y’s house. I asked if he had sex with her. He paused before he told me yes.

I felt everything fade to black. I couldn’t breathe. I felt my heart breaking. I felt like i was going to wet myself. Like i was going to pass out. I couldn’t stay at work, i left and headed home. I asked him to come home and talk to me. He refused. I told him i loved him while sobbing. I begged him to come home and love me too. He said nothing. Eventually he was laughing at me in front of Y telling me how he lived me as the mother to his children, but that he wasn’t in love with me. He wasn’t going to come see me. He didn’t care.

I drove to his work later that night. An hour and a half away. I sobbed the entire time. I think this is the first time i really entertained the thought of suicide. When i got there he didn’t say much. He changed his phone number, and told me he wouldn’t contact Y again.

I found out later that he kept up his contact with her.

 

part 3 A little bit of history

After finding out about B’s plans, i was very upset. Then i hear from co-workers that B was telling them he was leaving me for her, introducing her as his GF. not to mention the visits that i hadnt known about because she lived so close. 

Eventually, i gave an ultimatum, and he ended things with M. 

Fast Fwd 6 months or so, B is at a new job, and i went to pick him up one afternoon. I see him fawning over the office assistant. Of course he denied it all. Told me i was mental. Making it all up. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

He starts coming home later and later. Eventually one night he hadnt come home yet, and it was 3 hours before i had to start getting ready for work. I called, and he told me he would be home within the hour. Then he shut his phone off. 12 hours later he showed up, explaining to me he had been out with people from work, had to much to drink and was sleeping in his car. 

I made him drop his pants, and sniffed him. SOAP. Thats all i could smell. I knew it. And told him that he just got busted. Of course he denied it. Said the office assistant wasnt there. 

Later, i find out he had been having an affair with her and told the rest of the office that he and i had an open marriage. 

Well, i was ANGRY. I was also stronger then than i am now. I figured whats good for the goose is good for the gander. I started seeing someone. He had Dominant tendancies, but wasnt into BDSM. Not yet at least. I’ll call him Mr. NY. My relationship with Mr. NY would last from June 2008 through early 2011. 

 

( will add to this post later…… Family stuff to do)

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