one night in May


This is something i write a day or two after these events took place. To the best of my ability, this is as close as i could get to accurate.

you pick me up, i have been waiting for you, dressed in a short mini skirt, and a black sleeveless shirt. it’s cut like a tube top almost, but long, and flowing at the bottom, and goes well with the boots i am wearing, that come to my knees, and lace all the way up. the heels on them are at least 5 inches.

as i get in the car, you tell me to hike up my skirt, so you can see my pussy, and you run a finger from the top of my clit, down towards the seat, where I’m sitting, feeling how wet i am. i catch my breath, as i feel your finger run across me, across my clit, with just the right pressure, i moan lightly. wishing you would press your fingers inside me. aching for it.

you reach up, and pull the top of my shirt down, exposing my breasts and tell me to buckle up, leaving them out, and exposed. you instruct me to spread my legs and to play with myself, but not to cum. As you start to drive, you pinch and pull in my nipples, telling me what a slut i am. that i would just get in, be sopping wet, and ready to fuck. only a slut is like that. your words make me wetter, feeling your hands on my nipples……i have barely just begun, but i am almost ready to cum. i have to back off a bit, so i don’t lose control, and you see this. you tell me to move forward and open the glove box.

as i lean forward, and open the glove box, there is a toy, with a handle, that is to go in my pussy, and the handle to make it easier to fuck me with. You instruct me to put it in, continue playing with my clit, and not to cum. i am to fuck myself with it. and not stop.

as you drive, you turn the inside light on in the car. you tell me to look out the window, we are right beside a truck, and the driver is watching me, with my legs spread, fucking myself with a toy, tits hanging out, grinding against my hand that’s rubbing my clit, and the toy in my pussy. i am so wet, i can feel it dripping down me, towards your seat.

you refuse to let me cum, driving that toy deeper and faster into my pussy. telling me what a slut i am, you cant believe how wet i am, you can see it all over your toy, and almost dripping out of me onto your seat. you tell me that you will let me cum when you count down to one. starting with 30…..i rub my clit harder, grinding against the toy, a moan pushes past my lips….29…..rubbing my clit faster still, i turn my head to the side, so i can watch you, as you drive, holding that toy in my pussy…….28…….my hips rise off the seat looking for the warmth of your

hands while trying to hold it off, not wanting to cum yet, trying not to disappoint you…….27…….i can feel it building inside me, right at the edge, looking at you, wanting you so bad……..26…….”don’t you cum you filthy slut” omg……i cant keep it in, and i start to stiffen, as my orgasm takes over me, bucking my hips into your hand and arm, as i hear you telling me what a slut i am, that i cant even keep from cumming. You tell me that i am going to pay for that later, and i had better not made your seat wet, or i will be licking, and sucking it clean of my juices.

you drive into a darker parking lot, and park the car, and tell me to clean the toy, and put it back in your glove box. i do as you tell me, with your hands on my nipples, pulling and pinching, keeping me constantly aware of the pain. i am certain that i have made a puddle in your seat, i cant help it, you keep me wet, sopping wet. all i can think of is sex. my brain has been sucked out of my head, and my cunt, that is dripping wet, is all that i can think about.

you come around, and open the car door, telling me to pull my shirt up, and my skirt down, that you don’t want to be embarrassed, so can i please not look like a common whore. you have me take your arm, and walk with you into the building. once inside, you lead me into another door, and i see a bar area. to the right is a dance floor, couches, a DJ booth, a stage with poles, and a cage.

you lead me to the couch closest to the stage, and sit me down. you point out that on the stage is a cross, where someone is being whipped, a spanking bench where someone is being paddled, another area where someone is being bound with rope, and once i have seen all that, i notice someone to the right of us, with a violet wand. i feel your hand on my nipple, and you yank my shirt down again, exposing my left breast, so you can sit and idly play with it. i absolutely love this. i loved my nipples and breasts to be played with. i feel my cunt start to flood again. with all the activity going on around us, all i can do is look at you, with my eyes full of lust, knowing that i am going to do anything you tell me to.

you pull my left leg up over your lap, and push my right leg further apart. my cunt feels gaping open, wet…..begging for attention. anyone walking on the stage can see me, or anyone before the stage, and i notice a couple of guys standing watching you playing with me. i reach to hold you with my hand, and you smack it away. telling me that I’m not allowed to touch you. your hand works it’s way to my cunt, and you stick it in, and fuck me fast and furious for a moment, pull it out, and wipe it clean in my hair.

You get up and walk around, and force me to sit on the couch, with my legs splayed open for all to see my cunt, and how wet i am, my right breast still exposed.

you watch me sit uncomfortable, knowing that others are watching me, and i look over at you and you have such a grin on your face. you are talking to a couple, who keep looking over while smiling. i wonder what you are saying, and it’s making me wetter knowing that you are talking about me.

you come back to me, and grab my nipple, and pull me up to my feet. you tell me to fix my shirt, and to follow you, we head past the bar, and down the stairs. at the bottom of the stairs, there is a “check in” where rooms are reserved. 12 rooms, plus an orgy room, and a lounge. A guy with hair down to his waist starts our tour. as we enter each room, you reach under my skirt and finger my clit and piercing. i am so wet, it’s an audible sound that it makes, I’m sure the long haired guy can hear it. he appears not to though. he leads us through the rooms, a school room, room with a round bed, room with fountains, a bdsm room, etc…till we get to the “orgy” room. an open room with 6 or 7 beds in it, he explains that there are no reservations made for this room, it’s a free for all. anyone can use it, any time.

you reach down, and are really rubbing my clit, and I’m grinding and pressing myself into your hand. “look at what a slut she is” you say out loud. it makes me turn beet red from embarrassment and i just grind more onto your hand. “look at her, she’s a filthy slut, you know she would love for you to put your fingers in her too” you state. I’m so embarrassed i cover
my face with my hands. you lean in “tell him cunt” you whisper. i nod my head up and down, YES. that’s not enough. you tell me to use my words, say it out loud. i barely whisper, “please put your fingers in me”. he wasted no time, sticking 3 fingers in my pussy, and fucking me fast and hard with them. i can feel myself start to sway, and you reach out, and steady me, so i don’t fall. you tell me to kick my feet apart further so he can get to my pussy easier.

i am so wet, and so full of lust, but i cant relax. I’m nervous, and i think you know this. you whisper to me that it’s OK to cum. but i cant let it go. when he takes his fingers out, they are covered in my pussy juice. he wipes it off in my hair….you push me back against the wall. you shove your fingers in roughly, and pull them out, and make me suck them clean. you take your hand against my throat, and i can hear a few people at the door to the room, at the next tour. it makes me even wetter. i think i must be leaking cum down my legs now.


Amanda……….The Beginning

Good grief, I hate being late she thinks to herself as she glances at her phone to check the time. He told her to meet at 8 and it’s 10 after. 

She rushes down the sidewalk a little faster hoping that since it’s raining out he will be a little late too. She frowns slightly as she realizes he’s never late. 

Finally she reaches the door to her building and heads inside towards the elevator. Good thing she laid out the clothes she had picked to wear to dinner tonight. They might not be late after all she muses as she steps into the elevator. Amanda presses the number 4 and as it lights, the doors close. 

The elevator car comes to a stop and opens. Amanda dashes down the hall towards her apartment. She reaches down to the doorknob expecting to find it locked, and instead sees a white ribbon tied to it. Her hand frozen in place just above the doorknob she stares at the ribbon. Her heart pounding hard in her chest, she turns the knob slowly. She hopes he doesn’t hear her. Maybe he’s too preoccupied to notice she thought hopefully. 

She quietly shuts the door behind her and gently turns the lock to lock the door. She sets her bags down in the hall and turns towards the bathroom. She notices her dinner clothes are outside the bedroom door upon the floor. The bedroom door is ajar just a bit. Amanda can hear voices, but not what is being said. She stands still and continues to listen. It’s not a conversation she hears, but it is Mark her boyfriend and a woman. She cant see anything through the crack in the door, and decides she’s not going to walk any closer than the bathroom.

She tiptoes down the hall, her cellphone still in her hand towards the bathroom. The voices are definitely louder. She can hear now that they are either having sex, or they are in the midst of foreplay before sex. She hopes that he wont notice she’s come home yet. 

She is almost doing a dance she has to pee so bad, and as she enters the bathroom, she very slowly and quietly shuts the door, and then turns the light on. Trying not to interrupt Mark with his new friend. when she’s done, she stands up and barely turns the water on in the sink to wash her hands, and then drys them. She reaches down to flush the toilet, turns the lights off, and then open the bathroom door to exit. 

As she opens the door, she hears Mark telling his friend that he will be right back, and she can hear his footprints on the hardwood floor coming towards the bathroom. She pokes her head out the doorway, and see’s that he is but steps away. He looks rather irritated that he was interrupted. 

“Did you see the ribbon on the doorknob?” he demands as he continues to walk in her direction. Amanda backs up against the door jam, and just nods her head yes quietly. “Then why aren’t you naked and in the bedroom to take care of my sexy new friend?” he says as he’s towering over her.

She opens her mouth to answer him, in almost a whisper she says “i had to go to the bathroom first, it was a long ride and then walk here”. Amanda hopes he cant tell that she didn’t want to go in the bedroom to see them. She’s fallen head over heels for Mark, and she has always done anything he asked of her, without hesitation. She knew as soon as she saw the ribbon on the doorknob that it meant she was to strip her clothes off, and come to the bedroom and ask him how she could please him. 

Amanda didn’t understand how things got this way. They had been together 3 years, and the last year after she found out he was having sex with her best friend, he had begun to demand she be there to watch him when he had sex with other women. She hated watching it. She loved him so much and it made her completely jealous, and even angry. But all of that was replaced by an aching feeling, almost like an itch that needs to be scratched. Sometimes Mark had her suck his cock when he was done fucking the other women, sometimes she had to lick his cum from their pussies. She really did love the taste of him, even if she had to get it by licking another woman to have it. 

Every time he did this, that feeling inside would just burn. She didn’t understand why, but she never felt desire anything like it. 

The first time she busted him, she had stormed out of the apartment. She saw him fucking Debbie, her best friend since High School. They had even gone to college together, they were more sisters than best friends. 

She had run out of the building and down to the corner where Starbucks was. She got a coffee and sat down, waiting to see Debbie leave, so she could go back up. She sat there and thought about it, she was angry. How could he? WHY would he? and DEBBIE? why would she do this? and the more she thought about it, she noticed that feeling started in her pelvis, and grew. and before she knew it, she realized that picturing him fucking Debbie was making her wet. and she wanted to go back up there and ask him if she could watch. 

Her phone vibrated and she looked down. “it’s safe now, come up” was the message that Mark sent. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go back up yet But she also didn’t want to make him wait. 

She grabbed her coffee, and headed back to the building. 

When she got to the door of the apartment, she saw that it was ajar. Good thing too, since she left her keys inside when she stormed out. 

She stepped inside and saw Mark on the sofa. He was still naked. She frowned when she saw that. 

Mark patted the sofa next to him, and said “SIT” She spoke nothing, and sat next to him. She couldn’t help but to sneak a glance at his cock. He wasn’t quite erect, but he wasn’t soft yet either. She could tell he hadn’t bothered to wash up after Debbie. Just thinking that made her angry again. what the Fuck were they thinking? 

“I’m sorry you saw that” he said. “ i didn’t intend on you walking in to see that, nor did i intend to hurt you”. She could tell he meant it, he was looking right at her when he said it. She however, continued to look at his cock. She wondered how he would taste. She had never been into oral sex, and in fact most of the time, refused to do it. The only time she did it without complaining too much, was when she was on her period. she called it “blow job request week”.

She was watching his cock while he was speaking, and she heard less than 1/2 of what he was saying as she stared at it. She licked her lips. She really just wanted to get down on her knees and take him in her mouth. She had that burning hot feeling inside, and she had to do it….she had to taste him. 

Fuck it, i’m going to do it she thought. she scooted off the sofa, and on her knees before him, as she reached out and took his cock in her hand. Amanda moved her face and mouth within an inch of his cock, which was now beginning to harden again. Mark was still speaking, but she heard nothing he was saying. 

She didn’t move, but stayed there, breathing in the scent of Mark and Debbie. She was salivating just thinking about tasking the mix of them on his cock. She realized it wasn’t just her mouth that was wet thinking about it, Her pussy was drenched, and the burning inside was growing, threatening to overtake her. Amanda stuck her tongue out and tentatively licked the head of his cock. She let her tongue roll around the head, and then slid the head in past her lips into her mouth. She was intoxicated by it. 

Mark had stopped speaking, and was looking down in surprise at Amanda. He expected yelling, screaming, and cussing to begin after she came back. Instead as he had begun to apologize to her, she was suddenly between his legs, sucking his cock. He remembered that he hadn’t cleaned up after he and Debbie had sex. Since they had been interrupted he hadn’t been able to cum yet, so Amanda doing this unexpectedly was quite welcome. Especially since she almost never did it.

Somewhere in there, she had changed. She was ravenously devouring his hard cock in her mouth, to the back of her throat. Mark watched what she was doing, how she had out of no where had changed into a sex crazed woman, with an oral fixation. He reached down and grabbed the back of her head, holding his cock into her throat. “mmmmm yeah….god that feels good” He said. She was looking up at him with his cock in her mouth. She has never looked so beautiful he thought, so incredibly sexy. fucking HOT. “Did you like that baby?” he asks. “Did it make you wet? It did, didn’t it?” he questions as he begins to fuck her mouth in earnest.

Amanda was trying to hum a yes, but Mark’s cock was so hard, and completely filled her mouth. She could barely breathe, and just wasn’t able to say, or do anything to answer his question. He had been holding her head down on his cock, but now he was just skull fucking her. Amanda had both hands on the floor trying to steady herself while he was doing this. She reached down between her legs, and under her skirt. She felt that she had become so wet that her panties had a wet spot spreading on them. I have got to cum she thought. She looked at him with her eyes as he fucked her face. He asked if she liked it, and did it make her wet, but she couldn’t respond and the next best thing was to play with herself. She knew that would answer his questions. She didn’t understand why yet, but she knew she had never been this turned on before. Not even watching porn with Mark. 

Mark was still looking down at Amanda. She didn’t answer his questions yet, but she did spread her legs apart, and began to play with herself. He knew that was an answer to his questions. Oh HELL yes he thought. He began to fuck her mouth harder. The harder he fucked her face, the faster she rubbed her clit. She got that desperate look in her eyes, and Mark knew she was close. He grabbed the back of her head, wrapped his hands in her hair, and said “you want my cum baby? do you?” He could feel that he didn’t need to hold her head anymore, she was fucking her own mouth on his cock while she was rubbing herself at the same time. “Swallow it all baby, don’t miss a drop” he said to her. She wasn’t pushing with the same force, and He glanced down, and could tell she was starting to orgasm. “oh fuck yes! “ he said as he pushed her head onto his cock, impaling her on it. Amanda was in the midst of cumming, and Mark started to cum into her mouth. He pushed his cock back as far as he could, ensuring that he would cum down her throat, and she wouldn’t be able to spit it out.

As he spurted the last bit of cum in her mouth he reminded her “don’t spill any, you lick up anything that doesn’t stay in that mouth of yours” and he slowly pulled out. He looked down at her, and she was licking her lips, her hand still rubbing away on her clit. “did you cum yet?” he asked. Amanda nodded yes.

“Don’t you cum again. You can rub all you want, but you better not fucking cum again, you understand that you little slut?” He knew this was testing the waters, but she looked almost high and he thought if there was ever a time to see what would happen talking to her like this, it was now. 

“You really loved the taste of Debbie’s pussy juice on my cock, didn’t you? “ he asked her. She was still staring up at him, her mouth open and empty, and her hand was furiously rubbing her clit. “I bet Debbie would let me cum in her. You could lick my cum out of her beautiful tight pussy, i bet you would like that, wouldn’t you slut?”

Amanda felt it growing again, she couldn’t stop it. Mark talking about Debbie’s tight pussy, and him cumming in her, was more than she could take. she wanted to be able to lick it out of her, and the thought of it sent her over the edge again, and she started cumming again, harder and faster than the first time with Mark in her mouth. She laid back, letting her orgasm overtake her, contracting in waves from her head to her toes. She was moving her hips against her hand, and it kept going and going. Finally it started to ebb and she noticed that Mark was now standing above her head. He was looking straight down at her. “i fucking told you Slut, DO NOT CUM AGAIN” he bellowed. 

Still just as confused as ever

I am just a big fucking mess. I am all over the spectrum.

I hate hate hate, what being an emotional masochist and cuckquean do to me. the effect they have on me, i despise. I cant help it though, and i have no control of how/when things happen. Realistically things will only have that erotic, arousing, completely sexual effect on me, if i have some connection to the person who is behaving in such a way that it triggers all this in me.

Lusting after someone who has opened a door that i closed a while ago…….is it a good thing, or not? should i just go with it, or run away? Is it cheating on B, if he and i have been separated (living completely apart) for over 2 years? Not only living in different homes, but different states, and no sexual contact in any form during that time.

If i decide to walk through the open door, how much am i to trust this person? I have been burned before. too many times.

I would love to be able to live in the kinky lifestyle without all the emotional pain, without the feeling like the bottom has dropped out of my world, and hoping and praying that the other person wont turn his back while i am falling.

Perhaps that’s because i haven’t ever been able to trust someone completely, with the exception of B, in the beginning. I cant trust them, and yet i share my secrets, and i allow them to hurt me emotionally…..and they haven’t deserved my trust. Because they don’t stick around to make sure I’m not falling apart after the pain. Sure they come back, but ultimately they come back to use me, not because they care if the toy they are playing with is in good condition or not. Or if they are just going to use the toy (me) until i am un-useable anymore.

Sometimes i wish i could find a kink friendly counselor to talk to. Who might understand my submissive part, and not try to get me away from that. I enjoy that part. i don’t see it as something that keeps me down. I know when i can be submissive, and i know when i have control. I know where it’s appropriate in vanilla life, work life, and behind closed doors. I don’t want to get rid of that part of me. I do want to figure out how to be able to deal with my particular kink though. Because ultimately I tend to hold on to hurt and pain, especially when the person that inflicts it, is a complete narcissistic asshole, and walks off uncaring.

And sometimes after all the hurt and pain, i sit, and try to heal myself, and i find myself thinking about things that happened long long ago. Thinking that what i have done in my life since then, has made me the biggest fucking slut, out of anyone i know. and i equate sex with acceptance.

i am all over the map. and i’m fucking confused as hell, so if anyone has recommendations on a kink friendly counselor in the Mid-Atlantic, please drop me a note!

part 4….. long distance

Much of the relationship i had with Mr. NY was long distance since he lived in upstate NY, and i in the Washington DC area. He made 2 visits here to see me, and i went up there so many times i honestly don’t recall.

Long distance consisted of any type of communication except smoke signals. Phone, texting, email, google voice, yahoo, face time, skype, AOL IM, ventrillo, and im probably leaving something out but you get the drift. We talked multiple times every day. Much of 2008 was just learning about each other, testing boundaries, while he was figuring out the Dom side he has. As of the writing of this, mr. NY is probably my perfect kinky match.

In late 2008, i accidentally discovered that Mr. NY had been lying to me. I was crushed. Because i was married to, and still living with B, i decided after talking to Mr. NY, that this particular lie would be forgiven, we would continue on. He would be honest, as would i, and i would visit as much as i could as his submissive.

In April of 2009, i found Mr. NY in another lie. Yes again i was crushed. This time however, i could not let this go as easily. He had been sleeping with an X GF.  For a while, and hiding and lying to me about it.

Somewhere around this time is when i started to understand that i really was an emotional masochist. Anything that Mr. NY did to me along the lines of cheating, or pulling my emotional strings, made me melt. It made me so wet and horny, i could barely keep my hands off my pussy trying to make myself cum.

I don’t get it. I hate it. But that’s what this very specific type of emotional pain does to me. It took me a bit to connect the dots but this is where it began.


While i am in the midst of my LDR with Mr. NY, im still living in the same house with B. We are basically going through the motions. We don’t have sex at all, we work opposite shifts so in fact we really don’t even see one another much, nor sleep in the same bed together.

At some point in 2009 i told B that i had continued my relationship with Mr. NY and many of the BDSM aspects of it. Underneath it all, i loved B. I didn’t want to be vanilla, and while that’s no excuse it’s why i began and continued my LDR with Mr. NY   Yes it was wrong. On many levels. I also understand that i opened the door for some of the way i was treated in the years to follow.

B told me he was going to watch a football game with some of the “guys” from his H. S. And he would be home after the game. When he failed to show up after the game, i called him only to find him with Y. (A woman he did go to school with)

He was arrested for driving on a suspended license that night, and the following morning i pawned my rings to bail him out. And missed work on top of it all. 3 weeks later, i was at work when our daughter called me to ask where B was. I told her at home sleeping. She explained he wasn’t there, she was there, and he was nowhere around.

I phoned B, and when he answered he sounded much like i woke him up. I tried my best not to sound upset and asked him where he was. He replied to me he was in the bathroom. Well, since i knew he wasn’t at home, i asked who’s bathroom he was in. He responded he was at home. I then explained i knew he wasn’t.

He eventually told me he was at Y’s house. I asked if he had sex with her. He paused before he told me yes.

I felt everything fade to black. I couldn’t breathe. I felt my heart breaking. I felt like i was going to wet myself. Like i was going to pass out. I couldn’t stay at work, i left and headed home. I asked him to come home and talk to me. He refused. I told him i loved him while sobbing. I begged him to come home and love me too. He said nothing. Eventually he was laughing at me in front of Y telling me how he lived me as the mother to his children, but that he wasn’t in love with me. He wasn’t going to come see me. He didn’t care.

I drove to his work later that night. An hour and a half away. I sobbed the entire time. I think this is the first time i really entertained the thought of suicide. When i got there he didn’t say much. He changed his phone number, and told me he wouldn’t contact Y again.

I found out later that he kept up his contact with her.



gerund or present participle: compensating


make up for (something unwelcome or unpleasant) by exerting an opposite force or effect.
“officials have boosted levies to compensate for huge deficits”
  • act to neutralize or correct (a deficiency or abnormality in a physical property or effect).
    “the output voltage rises, compensating for the original fall”
    synonyms: balance (out), counterbalancecounteractoffset, make up for, cancel out, neutralizenegative More



Ive been compensating. But not in a good way. 

Over the past 2 years or so, ive allowed myself to be subjected to a shit ton of emotional issues stemming from the break up of my marriage to B. 


He would tell me he loves me, tell me im his world, and how he wants to try to work on our relationship. I would give him another chance, and instead of trying, he would ignore me. Not call. Not text, no emails, nothing. A few days go by, i am more upset. Having been ignored, and discarded immeidately after i gave him a chance. I tell him im angry. I tell him why. And im usually crying by the time it reaches this point. 

Unfortunately, when he hears me crying he goes from his normal behavior of a self centered insensitive prick, to being abusive. Mentally, emotionally and physically. 

He flips that switch, and tells me im worthless. Fat and nasty. Disgusting and old. He laughs at me and makes fun of me for crying. If i ask him to talk to me he says no and walks away. 

Occasionally he would tell me he was going to fuck who he wanted. Where he wanted. And i wasnt going to do shit about it. 

Now all of this is most definately emo. And it was during a scene he would get at A+. But its not. There is no after care, and infact the emotional abuse never stopped. He continued to lie, hide and decieve me. Driving me further into an emotional pergatory. 

One day, after a year or so of this, and a month or so after i left him, i discovered if i caused myself physical pain, it detracted from the unbearable emotional pain i was going through. 

I would hit my head into walls. Pull on body piercings until they looked as though they would be ripped out. I started punching myself in the face. Enough that it left some pretty severe bruises. This wasnt enough to stop the pain though. I started bringing steak knives with me. I could cut myself when things became too emotionally painful. This is how i compensated. 

Unfortunately it usually didnt last long. Except the bruising. Or lacerations. 

Its not compensation, its HELL. 


I would like to say ive gotten past all this, but i havent. Its not nearly as bad right now, but is by no means done. 

Ive asked him to just love me. Begged him actually. Choked the words out through my sobbs. Only to be laughed at. 3 or more years of this with episodes at least once a week, ocasionally moe often, has left me emotionally shattered in pieces. 


Yes. I know i need to heal myself. 

Im working on that. This blog is hopefully the beginning of that journey. 

Free falling vs. safety net…..and humpty dumpty?

i was just thinking about things on my hour long drive to work this morning, as i often do. well, between thinking, and singing along to Eddie Vedder (I have a bit of a thing for Pearl Jam).

While i know that i am emotionally driven (as i suspect many women are) i believe that i am more so than others and that’s partly because i havent met too many emotional masochists thus far. When playing in BDSM, whether with a regular play partner, a top, Dom, Master, or someone you negotiated a one time scene with, boundaries are discussed for both, safewords, and after care.

It’s kinda difficult to explain to people that emo is part of my kink. it’s my flavor. it’s not vanilla, but i dont think it’s all that “spicy” either if you think about it. however, it damn sure is painful. not just emotionally, but sometimes can be physically painful. i often get chest pains. an ache in my heart,

Unfortunately, because this is my flavor of kink, i have to get to know someone pretty well, and develop a pretty high level of trust, and dare i say it, but be on the cusp of falling for them before i can really get involved in emo play. So, often there is physical play only. Whips, floggers, spanking (which i do like, although i’m not sure why) etc….

put me on the cusp…..and i crave attention. i crave to be dominated, humiliated, treated as an object. and yes, cuck’d. But for someone who doesnt understand aftercare still needs to be administered, or maybe they understand just really could care less, all of that stuff, is really going to damage a person. when you add up all that emotional damage, instill doubts, make the person think they are not worth anything…..well that much damage is going to break something. It doesnt mean it wont have an effect. unfortunately i have been with people that i have explained emo to. written about it, given them articles etc, and was told they are good, they understand what it is i need (and they are pretty darn good at inflicting emo pain) but they failed to follow through with the aftercare. I dont know about others, but for me aftercare is kinda an ongoing thing. i mean, right after the scene, the Dom may have to just hold my hand. rub my arm, whisper in my ear. Tell me i am pretty, valuable, they want to play/see me again, all the mushy stuff. just basically reinforce that he isnt leaving me for someone else, because i’m pitiful and pathetic.

sometimes, (depending upon who, and the level of our relationship) that may mean that my aftercare will last a while. The Dom may have to take a few minutes here and there, to reassure me emotionally….that he’s not leaving me. That’s my safety net, so to speak. knowing that someone is not going to let me fall, and break. break everything.

and then there is the person that says they get it, who really doesnt, and does a scene, pats me on the head when they are done, tells me for a minute that it’s all good, and am i ok?…..clearly not understanding that the emotional pain doesnt go away instantly. i may be in a fog, trying to rationalize all this out in my head. …… and then they go on to do whatever it is that was on their agenda next. leaving me in a lump of pain. shell shocked. that’s the free fall…..i’m falling, headed towards smashing to bits, completely breaking me into a million little pieces.

i think that’s where i am right now actually. and i’m really working on learning how to not be like humpty dumpty and depend on everyone else to put me back together again, but to put myself back together.

it’s not easy. i dont even know how i got this way. what made emo my flavor of kink, and why?! and above all, why the hell does it have that sexual effect on me? how i feel so desperate, empty, and crave the other person sooooo much i would do anything, anywhere. and i mean that. ANYTHING.

is there a cure for it? lol

as a side note, my Daddy is the only man i have ever been with who has not cheated on me. the only one. He however, doesnt get the emo thing, so we just dont go there.