Pointless!!!!

W. T. F.

Pointless. Honest to God. Dont tell me anything. I pay the bills. I dont even live there!!!! And you STILL LIE TO MY FACE!!!

God damnit.
I am just so sick of your bullshit. Your lies, half truths, lazy, dont want to work or do anything, blame everything on someone other than you, manipulative, abusive, narcississtic ass.

Get the fuck out.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh

I cannot believe i was stupid enough to marry that fuckhead.

And then i kept giving him chances, cuz im a stupid bitch. You would think i would learn after the first, second, tenth, or 50th time you either fuck me over, lie, cheat, or abuse me…..either physically, mentally, or emotionally.

God im an idiot.
Lol and not once have you even said youre sorry.
Thats how fucking stupid i am.

Thank you so very much B. This is just perfect!

Still just as confused as ever

I am just a big fucking mess. I am all over the spectrum.

I hate hate hate, what being an emotional masochist and cuckquean do to me. the effect they have on me, i despise. I cant help it though, and i have no control of how/when things happen. Realistically things will only have that erotic, arousing, completely sexual effect on me, if i have some connection to the person who is behaving in such a way that it triggers all this in me.

Lusting after someone who has opened a door that i closed a while ago…….is it a good thing, or not? should i just go with it, or run away? Is it cheating on B, if he and i have been separated (living completely apart) for over 2 years? Not only living in different homes, but different states, and no sexual contact in any form during that time.

If i decide to walk through the open door, how much am i to trust this person? I have been burned before. too many times.

I would love to be able to live in the kinky lifestyle without all the emotional pain, without the feeling like the bottom has dropped out of my world, and hoping and praying that the other person wont turn his back while i am falling.

Perhaps that’s because i haven’t ever been able to trust someone completely, with the exception of B, in the beginning. I cant trust them, and yet i share my secrets, and i allow them to hurt me emotionally…..and they haven’t deserved my trust. Because they don’t stick around to make sure I’m not falling apart after the pain. Sure they come back, but ultimately they come back to use me, not because they care if the toy they are playing with is in good condition or not. Or if they are just going to use the toy (me) until i am un-useable anymore.

Sometimes i wish i could find a kink friendly counselor to talk to. Who might understand my submissive part, and not try to get me away from that. I enjoy that part. i don’t see it as something that keeps me down. I know when i can be submissive, and i know when i have control. I know where it’s appropriate in vanilla life, work life, and behind closed doors. I don’t want to get rid of that part of me. I do want to figure out how to be able to deal with my particular kink though. Because ultimately I tend to hold on to hurt and pain, especially when the person that inflicts it, is a complete narcissistic asshole, and walks off uncaring.

And sometimes after all the hurt and pain, i sit, and try to heal myself, and i find myself thinking about things that happened long long ago. Thinking that what i have done in my life since then, has made me the biggest fucking slut, out of anyone i know. and i equate sex with acceptance.

i am all over the map. and i’m fucking confused as hell, so if anyone has recommendations on a kink friendly counselor in the Mid-Atlantic, please drop me a note!

a quandry

Do i, or dont i?

 

Do i follow my heart, even though it doesnt see he’s a narcissist?

Do i give him the benefit of the doubt, when the rest of me thinks hes still lying to me?

Do i let go and forgive for the cheating and lies?

 

A friend is my adviser

I have no reason to feel a twinge of jealousy, but i do.

A smile. A chuckle, a twinkle in my eye. Thats what hes been giving me.

Do i accept his offer for a confidant?

Test the waters, or keep to the confines of friends?

I want to blow his mind with wonderful feelings and sensations,

Introduce him to the same addiction i have

Denial, forcing things, control, obedience, devotion

 

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for offering your friendship and confiding in me.

Open the door that i might step through and fill you with passion and desire.

Open your door and heart to love.

i used to ask God

I used to ask God what i did to deserve all this pain and hurt.

I eventually began tp pray that i find someone to truely love me.

Now i just pray that this pain ends. Soon.