3rd time’s a charm, or 3rd best? get in line!

so we picked at date. Sorta. April 9, 2016. 

We’ve lived together a little over a year now. I’ve met both his ex wives and all his kids. He’s met all but one of my kids. 

I often feel 3rd, 4th, or 5th best. I might come after the ex wives or his kids, or even my own. But rarely do I feel first. 

I’ve been a first wife. That worked out so well, that we divorced and I then became the second wife and stepmom. I thought i had a fairly good handle on the step mom bit, and staying away from drama. 

Guess again. This time, the first Mrs. W and M bought this home together. She left him for another man, and took 1/2 of everything. He had to buy her out of the home, and kept it. They shared 50/50 custody. 

The second Mrs. W and M had a pre-nup. He was trying to assure what little he had left would be safe in the event of a divorce. In both cases M married the women with bun’s in the oven. The second Mrs. W lived hin the home too. She left before the baby was a year old, and at 2.5 years of separation, she came back. 2.5 years after that, she split again. 

6 months later, I came in the picture. I now live in a home that he shared with both of the ex wives. 5 of my own children are living here full time. Its been a struggle to make this my home too. 

I always feel like i will be invited to leave at a moments notice. I have no clue what goes on with either of the ex wives, but communication with #2 is very frequent. She is adamant that even though we live together, I’m his paramour, only because she’s refused to admit to the existance of thier signed pre-nup, and subsequently refused to agree to a divorce. Now, she tells anyone who will listen, including her son, that im not family, and I’m the reason they split up. 

M asked me to marry him, and presented me with a beautiful ring, which I was overjoyed to accept. Since then, even though he’s still in litagation with both of them, and will be divorced this year, as they already have the trial date. Not a hearing, but a trial. Multie days. Neither is rich, but the #2 insists that he give her 1/2 of everything as well, stating there never was a pre-nup. (Although she does think he lost it, so i think she’s banking on that)

More than anything, I want a wedding. I never had one. Both times I was married at the courthouse, and Ive never had a wedding, despite being promised i would have one. Ive dreamed about it since i was small. For as long as i can remember. I no longer expect to be like cinderella, but i still want that special ceremony and day with my family and friends. 

Now M and i discussed it. He gave me some parameters after i asked. My heart sank. I feel like he has had two beautiful weddings, so a third just isnt that big a deal to him. For me, i’ve had to share everything, including a home i struggle to be my own, because the two former wives both made this thier homes. 

I want something i’ve never had. I want it with him. A special day for the celebration and union of our combined families. My own family has never seen me be married. And i honestly feel like this is the one thing i could have to be mine, his, OURS. 

But he really seems uninterested. I want to look at dresses, venues, colors, decor, find an officiant…..and now with the paramater he has put there i feel like although i knew i wouldnt get a wedding i had dreamed about since i was a small girl, i wont even have the chance to have a wedding at all. More like i am agreeing to have a JP service in the yard. 

So why go through the motions then? If im not going to have one, at least a smaller version of what my dream was, then dont tease me by saying we can, only to tell me that my parameters are so limited, that its not really a wedding. We can save money and time and just go to the courthouse. I can wear jeans. I have before. 

That way, my heart isnt broken, and i know exactly what the expectation is. 

His response to that?

“I will fill you in on my insurance as my domestic partner and we can leave it at that”

Ok. So now i dont even get JP? Then why give me a ring? To tease me? I am just crushed. Beyond words. 

You see, I told him in the beginning that i never wanted to get married again. Ive been left both times too. I have abandonment issues, and if you’ve read my blog at all, that’s pretty clear. But i also didnt want to have someone fill my head with a promise of a wedding, only to pull the rug out from under me. Maybe it’s silly, but a wedding is hugely important to me. It always has been. I might be mostly liberal in my daily life, but in this particular instance, i’m pretty traditional. I long to be a BRIDE. WITH A GROOM I’M IN LOVE WITH. I could have that, but he feels differently i guess. 

I dont even want to discuss it anymore. Im afraid to. I already feel so damn worthless. Im not worth marrying, being faithful to (not talking M here) and not worth having a wedding with. 

My longest dream and desire has been destroyed. 



One word can mean so many different things.
It’s a spice. Both powder and liquid. Also comes in the form of a seed. It’s a flavor. A scent. And can be a description to mean straight laced.

It can be a color. A way you view things.

Love the flavor of vanilla. And even the color is appealing to me. But I do not in any way, want to live my life like Ward and June Cleaver.
Pull my hair, spank my ass, force me to luck your feet. Call me your SLUT. HELL……. Make me your slut. Your personal dirty girl.
Tease me. Withhold orgasms, tease me more. Spank me again, make me a desperate melted puddle of girl goo. Please!

I’m starting to think that the only ones who will treat me like that, even behind closed doors, are really the same ones that are going to break my heart and aren’t worth trusting.

Does no one understand?! At least START off with some roll playing?!? It doesn’t have to be sexual at all.


What am I doing wrong? Or am I just that fucked up???

you asked

Mark, i wrote this as a response to you.



You asked me where does that leave us.

Us was 20 years ago.

I think that means “US” is in the past.


You asked why i am uninterested. Well, perhaps not those words, but that general effect.

I think its partly what i said. I only know how its been for me. The last 20 years anyways. I’ve been treated like shit. Ignored. Disregarded. If someone treats me well, i don’t know what to say to that. Or how to act, or react.

I think its also partly because if i feel like that person cant dominate me, because they are too nice….or not interested in dominating me, then i will eventually exploit that weakness, i dont know why. it’s not that i want to even…..i would much rather have them dominate me, than for me to play “TOP” and be that way.


I want someone who not afraid to spank me, punish me, humiliate me, use me, and then be there to wipe my tears. Use the word slut as a term of endearment. Not want to give me out for others to use or play with, because he only wants me for himself. I want someone who will protect me. Be there with a shoulder for me to cry on if i am hurt. Someone to put his arms around me. Someone who will let me love him, be dedicated to pleasing him, serving him, and someone capable of controlling me. And i would want him to love me too. Someone i can trust and open my heart to, and someone who is KINKY and NOT VANILLA.

Thats what i want. I guess i never felt you were interested in the same thing. At least not with me.


You asked. There is your answer.

Time off

I have an extra day off this week, and while i am looking forward to it, i am also dreading it.

I’m going to be in a wedding this weekend. The first wedding i have ever been in. I didn’t have a wedding of my own, and i have never been a part of a wedding party…so this really is a first for me. I’m looking forward to this in some regards. but in others, I’m dreading it. I remember what it was like thinking that i would have one of my own. how i wanted it. it used to be such a good thought for me, a dream of the future. and now, it’s a reminder about what i didn’t do, or didn’t have. it’s lumped in there with a lot of other things, from my first H, to the second H. Up until a couple of months ago, i had thought that it might still happen for me some day. if i were to meet someone, and fall in love, and the joint decision to marry….

but not anymore. and maybe this is stupid or silly, or whatever you want to call it, but as i just found out my daughter is going to have a baby in October, i just feel like my dreams of a wedding went up in smoke. A grandmother in a wedding gown? nope. i don’t think so. heck, i don’t even want to be called grandma, or anything like it. i don’t feel that fucking old. and i am sick to fucking death of having people i work with say it. it pisses me off so bad, i cant even begin to tell you.

maybe that’s cuz i was called that as a way of teasing me well before i ever found out that my daughter was having a baby. it was said to get under my skin, and it did. i just don’t want to be referred to as an older relative type name. I dont feel old. I”M NOT OLD. *sigh* damnit.

so i’m venting. i was hoping it would make me feel a bit better. unfortunately, i didnt. i am so ready to go home for the day.

part 3 A little bit of history

After finding out about B’s plans, i was very upset. Then i hear from co-workers that B was telling them he was leaving me for her, introducing her as his GF. not to mention the visits that i hadnt known about because she lived so close. 

Eventually, i gave an ultimatum, and he ended things with M. 

Fast Fwd 6 months or so, B is at a new job, and i went to pick him up one afternoon. I see him fawning over the office assistant. Of course he denied it all. Told me i was mental. Making it all up. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

He starts coming home later and later. Eventually one night he hadnt come home yet, and it was 3 hours before i had to start getting ready for work. I called, and he told me he would be home within the hour. Then he shut his phone off. 12 hours later he showed up, explaining to me he had been out with people from work, had to much to drink and was sleeping in his car. 

I made him drop his pants, and sniffed him. SOAP. Thats all i could smell. I knew it. And told him that he just got busted. Of course he denied it. Said the office assistant wasnt there. 

Later, i find out he had been having an affair with her and told the rest of the office that he and i had an open marriage. 

Well, i was ANGRY. I was also stronger then than i am now. I figured whats good for the goose is good for the gander. I started seeing someone. He had Dominant tendancies, but wasnt into BDSM. Not yet at least. I’ll call him Mr. NY. My relationship with Mr. NY would last from June 2008 through early 2011. 


( will add to this post later…… Family stuff to do)

A little bit of history…. Part 1

I questioned where this history should start, and i guess i should start at the beginning. or more correctly what i feel is the beginning.

in 1996 I was online with AOL. and working my way around the web, i came up on the AOL chat rooms. one day i happened in a group for adults only, and it was a BDSM themed room. That is when i had my epiphany. All those fantasies, the men i dated, the man i married. it all made sense.

I went on to go from online only, to meeting some people in real life, and even playing with one or two. I never quite found anyone that i had good chemistry with. and to be honest, at the time, while i knew that i was identifying myself as a submissive, i didnt know much else.

I read anything and everything i could find. BDSM 101, the Beauty Trilogy etc. and much more. I realized that i was not someone who was a switch, that i was purely submissive….and at times i very much leaned towards slave. However…… I DO NOT LIKE PAIN. Not one bit. i will take it for my Dominant/Master though. If they are causing pain to me, but getting nothing out of it, then i am getting nothing out of it, except bruised. As long as they get something from it, then i feed off of their reaction, and it grows from there.

I eventually met B, and married him, had a few children……and lived 100% vanilla, outside of fantasies. I occasionally used BDSM stories, or porn when i masturbated, but not as a general rule.

In 2006 I caught B in a lie. It was itself not a huge lie but at the time, i wasnt expecting it, and it really did do some deep damage to our relationship and my trust in him. I started wondering if he had been lying to me about things all along. i also began to realize that he was very much self centered, and it didnt matter much to him that his lies might hurt me.


(work gets in the way, more later )