3rd time’s a charm, or 3rd best? get in line!

so we picked at date. Sorta. April 9, 2016. 

We’ve lived together a little over a year now. I’ve met both his ex wives and all his kids. He’s met all but one of my kids. 

I often feel 3rd, 4th, or 5th best. I might come after the ex wives or his kids, or even my own. But rarely do I feel first. 

I’ve been a first wife. That worked out so well, that we divorced and I then became the second wife and stepmom. I thought i had a fairly good handle on the step mom bit, and staying away from drama. 

Guess again. This time, the first Mrs. W and M bought this home together. She left him for another man, and took 1/2 of everything. He had to buy her out of the home, and kept it. They shared 50/50 custody. 

The second Mrs. W and M had a pre-nup. He was trying to assure what little he had left would be safe in the event of a divorce. In both cases M married the women with bun’s in the oven. The second Mrs. W lived hin the home too. She left before the baby was a year old, and at 2.5 years of separation, she came back. 2.5 years after that, she split again. 

6 months later, I came in the picture. I now live in a home that he shared with both of the ex wives. 5 of my own children are living here full time. Its been a struggle to make this my home too. 

I always feel like i will be invited to leave at a moments notice. I have no clue what goes on with either of the ex wives, but communication with #2 is very frequent. She is adamant that even though we live together, I’m his paramour, only because she’s refused to admit to the existance of thier signed pre-nup, and subsequently refused to agree to a divorce. Now, she tells anyone who will listen, including her son, that im not family, and I’m the reason they split up. 

M asked me to marry him, and presented me with a beautiful ring, which I was overjoyed to accept. Since then, even though he’s still in litagation with both of them, and will be divorced this year, as they already have the trial date. Not a hearing, but a trial. Multie days. Neither is rich, but the #2 insists that he give her 1/2 of everything as well, stating there never was a pre-nup. (Although she does think he lost it, so i think she’s banking on that)

More than anything, I want a wedding. I never had one. Both times I was married at the courthouse, and Ive never had a wedding, despite being promised i would have one. Ive dreamed about it since i was small. For as long as i can remember. I no longer expect to be like cinderella, but i still want that special ceremony and day with my family and friends. 

Now M and i discussed it. He gave me some parameters after i asked. My heart sank. I feel like he has had two beautiful weddings, so a third just isnt that big a deal to him. For me, i’ve had to share everything, including a home i struggle to be my own, because the two former wives both made this thier homes. 

I want something i’ve never had. I want it with him. A special day for the celebration and union of our combined families. My own family has never seen me be married. And i honestly feel like this is the one thing i could have to be mine, his, OURS. 

But he really seems uninterested. I want to look at dresses, venues, colors, decor, find an officiant…..and now with the paramater he has put there i feel like although i knew i wouldnt get a wedding i had dreamed about since i was a small girl, i wont even have the chance to have a wedding at all. More like i am agreeing to have a JP service in the yard. 

So why go through the motions then? If im not going to have one, at least a smaller version of what my dream was, then dont tease me by saying we can, only to tell me that my parameters are so limited, that its not really a wedding. We can save money and time and just go to the courthouse. I can wear jeans. I have before. 

That way, my heart isnt broken, and i know exactly what the expectation is. 

His response to that?

“I will fill you in on my insurance as my domestic partner and we can leave it at that”

Ok. So now i dont even get JP? Then why give me a ring? To tease me? I am just crushed. Beyond words. 

You see, I told him in the beginning that i never wanted to get married again. Ive been left both times too. I have abandonment issues, and if you’ve read my blog at all, that’s pretty clear. But i also didnt want to have someone fill my head with a promise of a wedding, only to pull the rug out from under me. Maybe it’s silly, but a wedding is hugely important to me. It always has been. I might be mostly liberal in my daily life, but in this particular instance, i’m pretty traditional. I long to be a BRIDE. WITH A GROOM I’M IN LOVE WITH. I could have that, but he feels differently i guess. 

I dont even want to discuss it anymore. Im afraid to. I already feel so damn worthless. Im not worth marrying, being faithful to (not talking M here) and not worth having a wedding with. 

My longest dream and desire has been destroyed.