Amanda……….The Beginning

Good grief, I hate being late she thinks to herself as she glances at her phone to check the time. He told her to meet at 8 and it’s 10 after. 

She rushes down the sidewalk a little faster hoping that since it’s raining out he will be a little late too. She frowns slightly as she realizes he’s never late. 

Finally she reaches the door to her building and heads inside towards the elevator. Good thing she laid out the clothes she had picked to wear to dinner tonight. They might not be late after all she muses as she steps into the elevator. Amanda presses the number 4 and as it lights, the doors close. 

The elevator car comes to a stop and opens. Amanda dashes down the hall towards her apartment. She reaches down to the doorknob expecting to find it locked, and instead sees a white ribbon tied to it. Her hand frozen in place just above the doorknob she stares at the ribbon. Her heart pounding hard in her chest, she turns the knob slowly. She hopes he doesn’t hear her. Maybe he’s too preoccupied to notice she thought hopefully. 

She quietly shuts the door behind her and gently turns the lock to lock the door. She sets her bags down in the hall and turns towards the bathroom. She notices her dinner clothes are outside the bedroom door upon the floor. The bedroom door is ajar just a bit. Amanda can hear voices, but not what is being said. She stands still and continues to listen. It’s not a conversation she hears, but it is Mark her boyfriend and a woman. She cant see anything through the crack in the door, and decides she’s not going to walk any closer than the bathroom.

She tiptoes down the hall, her cellphone still in her hand towards the bathroom. The voices are definitely louder. She can hear now that they are either having sex, or they are in the midst of foreplay before sex. She hopes that he wont notice she’s come home yet. 

She is almost doing a dance she has to pee so bad, and as she enters the bathroom, she very slowly and quietly shuts the door, and then turns the light on. Trying not to interrupt Mark with his new friend. when she’s done, she stands up and barely turns the water on in the sink to wash her hands, and then drys them. She reaches down to flush the toilet, turns the lights off, and then open the bathroom door to exit. 

As she opens the door, she hears Mark telling his friend that he will be right back, and she can hear his footprints on the hardwood floor coming towards the bathroom. She pokes her head out the doorway, and see’s that he is but steps away. He looks rather irritated that he was interrupted. 

“Did you see the ribbon on the doorknob?” he demands as he continues to walk in her direction. Amanda backs up against the door jam, and just nods her head yes quietly. “Then why aren’t you naked and in the bedroom to take care of my sexy new friend?” he says as he’s towering over her.

She opens her mouth to answer him, in almost a whisper she says “i had to go to the bathroom first, it was a long ride and then walk here”. Amanda hopes he cant tell that she didn’t want to go in the bedroom to see them. She’s fallen head over heels for Mark, and she has always done anything he asked of her, without hesitation. She knew as soon as she saw the ribbon on the doorknob that it meant she was to strip her clothes off, and come to the bedroom and ask him how she could please him. 

Amanda didn’t understand how things got this way. They had been together 3 years, and the last year after she found out he was having sex with her best friend, he had begun to demand she be there to watch him when he had sex with other women. She hated watching it. She loved him so much and it made her completely jealous, and even angry. But all of that was replaced by an aching feeling, almost like an itch that needs to be scratched. Sometimes Mark had her suck his cock when he was done fucking the other women, sometimes she had to lick his cum from their pussies. She really did love the taste of him, even if she had to get it by licking another woman to have it. 

Every time he did this, that feeling inside would just burn. She didn’t understand why, but she never felt desire anything like it. 

The first time she busted him, she had stormed out of the apartment. She saw him fucking Debbie, her best friend since High School. They had even gone to college together, they were more sisters than best friends. 

She had run out of the building and down to the corner where Starbucks was. She got a coffee and sat down, waiting to see Debbie leave, so she could go back up. She sat there and thought about it, she was angry. How could he? WHY would he? and DEBBIE? why would she do this? and the more she thought about it, she noticed that feeling started in her pelvis, and grew. and before she knew it, she realized that picturing him fucking Debbie was making her wet. and she wanted to go back up there and ask him if she could watch. 

Her phone vibrated and she looked down. “it’s safe now, come up” was the message that Mark sent. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go back up yet But she also didn’t want to make him wait. 

She grabbed her coffee, and headed back to the building. 

When she got to the door of the apartment, she saw that it was ajar. Good thing too, since she left her keys inside when she stormed out. 

She stepped inside and saw Mark on the sofa. He was still naked. She frowned when she saw that. 

Mark patted the sofa next to him, and said “SIT” She spoke nothing, and sat next to him. She couldn’t help but to sneak a glance at his cock. He wasn’t quite erect, but he wasn’t soft yet either. She could tell he hadn’t bothered to wash up after Debbie. Just thinking that made her angry again. what the Fuck were they thinking? 

“I’m sorry you saw that” he said. “ i didn’t intend on you walking in to see that, nor did i intend to hurt you”. She could tell he meant it, he was looking right at her when he said it. She however, continued to look at his cock. She wondered how he would taste. She had never been into oral sex, and in fact most of the time, refused to do it. The only time she did it without complaining too much, was when she was on her period. she called it “blow job request week”.

She was watching his cock while he was speaking, and she heard less than 1/2 of what he was saying as she stared at it. She licked her lips. She really just wanted to get down on her knees and take him in her mouth. She had that burning hot feeling inside, and she had to do it….she had to taste him. 

Fuck it, i’m going to do it she thought. she scooted off the sofa, and on her knees before him, as she reached out and took his cock in her hand. Amanda moved her face and mouth within an inch of his cock, which was now beginning to harden again. Mark was still speaking, but she heard nothing he was saying. 

She didn’t move, but stayed there, breathing in the scent of Mark and Debbie. She was salivating just thinking about tasking the mix of them on his cock. She realized it wasn’t just her mouth that was wet thinking about it, Her pussy was drenched, and the burning inside was growing, threatening to overtake her. Amanda stuck her tongue out and tentatively licked the head of his cock. She let her tongue roll around the head, and then slid the head in past her lips into her mouth. She was intoxicated by it. 

Mark had stopped speaking, and was looking down in surprise at Amanda. He expected yelling, screaming, and cussing to begin after she came back. Instead as he had begun to apologize to her, she was suddenly between his legs, sucking his cock. He remembered that he hadn’t cleaned up after he and Debbie had sex. Since they had been interrupted he hadn’t been able to cum yet, so Amanda doing this unexpectedly was quite welcome. Especially since she almost never did it.

Somewhere in there, she had changed. She was ravenously devouring his hard cock in her mouth, to the back of her throat. Mark watched what she was doing, how she had out of no where had changed into a sex crazed woman, with an oral fixation. He reached down and grabbed the back of her head, holding his cock into her throat. “mmmmm yeah….god that feels good” He said. She was looking up at him with his cock in her mouth. She has never looked so beautiful he thought, so incredibly sexy. fucking HOT. “Did you like that baby?” he asks. “Did it make you wet? It did, didn’t it?” he questions as he begins to fuck her mouth in earnest.

Amanda was trying to hum a yes, but Mark’s cock was so hard, and completely filled her mouth. She could barely breathe, and just wasn’t able to say, or do anything to answer his question. He had been holding her head down on his cock, but now he was just skull fucking her. Amanda had both hands on the floor trying to steady herself while he was doing this. She reached down between her legs, and under her skirt. She felt that she had become so wet that her panties had a wet spot spreading on them. I have got to cum she thought. She looked at him with her eyes as he fucked her face. He asked if she liked it, and did it make her wet, but she couldn’t respond and the next best thing was to play with herself. She knew that would answer his questions. She didn’t understand why yet, but she knew she had never been this turned on before. Not even watching porn with Mark. 

Mark was still looking down at Amanda. She didn’t answer his questions yet, but she did spread her legs apart, and began to play with herself. He knew that was an answer to his questions. Oh HELL yes he thought. He began to fuck her mouth harder. The harder he fucked her face, the faster she rubbed her clit. She got that desperate look in her eyes, and Mark knew she was close. He grabbed the back of her head, wrapped his hands in her hair, and said “you want my cum baby? do you?” He could feel that he didn’t need to hold her head anymore, she was fucking her own mouth on his cock while she was rubbing herself at the same time. “Swallow it all baby, don’t miss a drop” he said to her. She wasn’t pushing with the same force, and He glanced down, and could tell she was starting to orgasm. “oh fuck yes! “ he said as he pushed her head onto his cock, impaling her on it. Amanda was in the midst of cumming, and Mark started to cum into her mouth. He pushed his cock back as far as he could, ensuring that he would cum down her throat, and she wouldn’t be able to spit it out.

As he spurted the last bit of cum in her mouth he reminded her “don’t spill any, you lick up anything that doesn’t stay in that mouth of yours” and he slowly pulled out. He looked down at her, and she was licking her lips, her hand still rubbing away on her clit. “did you cum yet?” he asked. Amanda nodded yes.

“Don’t you cum again. You can rub all you want, but you better not fucking cum again, you understand that you little slut?” He knew this was testing the waters, but she looked almost high and he thought if there was ever a time to see what would happen talking to her like this, it was now. 

“You really loved the taste of Debbie’s pussy juice on my cock, didn’t you? “ he asked her. She was still staring up at him, her mouth open and empty, and her hand was furiously rubbing her clit. “I bet Debbie would let me cum in her. You could lick my cum out of her beautiful tight pussy, i bet you would like that, wouldn’t you slut?”

Amanda felt it growing again, she couldn’t stop it. Mark talking about Debbie’s tight pussy, and him cumming in her, was more than she could take. she wanted to be able to lick it out of her, and the thought of it sent her over the edge again, and she started cumming again, harder and faster than the first time with Mark in her mouth. She laid back, letting her orgasm overtake her, contracting in waves from her head to her toes. She was moving her hips against her hand, and it kept going and going. Finally it started to ebb and she noticed that Mark was now standing above her head. He was looking straight down at her. “i fucking told you Slut, DO NOT CUM AGAIN” he bellowed. 

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I absolutely cannot let my hormones control me!

Holy crap. what the fuck am i doing? What am i doing????

no. Hell no. close the door, and run. run very fucking fast. run run run. do not stop. do not pass go, do not collect $200 !!! RED LIGHT RED LIGHT!! DANGER!

I know better. i was in a fog the past few days. I let my hormones, and the fact that i have not had a sexual relationship with anything but my friggin hand for 2 years, get in my way. I couldnt see past the fog.

I have been so fucked up for so long, and i’m not fixed, and it’s pretty damn clear that i am the only one that gives a shit, so i am trying to fix myself. the only way i know. Dont know if all of this is going to work, getting out this pain, but it’s got to be better for me than keeping that pain all bottled up inside me, and having it turn to poison. I dont look bad. at least i dont think so. not for my age anyways, and consider the fact that i have 8 children, of which i gave birth to all 8, well….i look pretty fucking good. but that’s the outside. the inside, is emotional vomit. a mess. a big fucking mess.

which i want to fix more than anything, so that i can go on with my life. before i am old and decrepit and unless i am a millionaire cougar, i’ll never be able to get anyone.

I do not want a narcissist. i was married to one. he destroyed my heart, my faith, our marriage, and my trust.

i can be friends with almost anyone. but i dont want to be the other woman, and i damn sure do not want to be a part of something, that can destroy someone else, the way it did me.

no thanks.

Still just as confused as ever

I am just a big fucking mess. I am all over the spectrum.

I hate hate hate, what being an emotional masochist and cuckquean do to me. the effect they have on me, i despise. I cant help it though, and i have no control of how/when things happen. Realistically things will only have that erotic, arousing, completely sexual effect on me, if i have some connection to the person who is behaving in such a way that it triggers all this in me.

Lusting after someone who has opened a door that i closed a while ago…….is it a good thing, or not? should i just go with it, or run away? Is it cheating on B, if he and i have been separated (living completely apart) for over 2 years? Not only living in different homes, but different states, and no sexual contact in any form during that time.

If i decide to walk through the open door, how much am i to trust this person? I have been burned before. too many times.

I would love to be able to live in the kinky lifestyle without all the emotional pain, without the feeling like the bottom has dropped out of my world, and hoping and praying that the other person wont turn his back while i am falling.

Perhaps that’s because i haven’t ever been able to trust someone completely, with the exception of B, in the beginning. I cant trust them, and yet i share my secrets, and i allow them to hurt me emotionally…..and they haven’t deserved my trust. Because they don’t stick around to make sure I’m not falling apart after the pain. Sure they come back, but ultimately they come back to use me, not because they care if the toy they are playing with is in good condition or not. Or if they are just going to use the toy (me) until i am un-useable anymore.

Sometimes i wish i could find a kink friendly counselor to talk to. Who might understand my submissive part, and not try to get me away from that. I enjoy that part. i don’t see it as something that keeps me down. I know when i can be submissive, and i know when i have control. I know where it’s appropriate in vanilla life, work life, and behind closed doors. I don’t want to get rid of that part of me. I do want to figure out how to be able to deal with my particular kink though. Because ultimately I tend to hold on to hurt and pain, especially when the person that inflicts it, is a complete narcissistic asshole, and walks off uncaring.

And sometimes after all the hurt and pain, i sit, and try to heal myself, and i find myself thinking about things that happened long long ago. Thinking that what i have done in my life since then, has made me the biggest fucking slut, out of anyone i know. and i equate sex with acceptance.

i am all over the map. and i’m fucking confused as hell, so if anyone has recommendations on a kink friendly counselor in the Mid-Atlantic, please drop me a note!